Back to Yesterday
by RJane's Vindication
Summary: Multi-chapter, prequel. Adam is finally coming home from college. He wants so much for things to be the way they were before, but he quickly learns that you can't go back. Will misunderstandings and hurt destroy his family forever? My absolute FIRST fan fic is finally complete! Please let me know what you think!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, everyone! This is my absolute first fan fic, and I hope that you like it. I will try to post updates regularly, but I will admit that I get distracted reading everyone else's stuff too!**

**Disclaimers: I don't own any of the main characters, just some of the supporting cast and, of course, the emotions.**

Twenty one year old Adam Cartwright was nervous as the stage continued on. 'Why am I so nervous?' he wondered. He was going home!

It had been four years since he'd been home, but it had been worth it. He had learned so much while he was away at school, learned so much about his grandfather and his mother. But he was so glad to be going back. He couldn't wait to show his father how much practical knowledge he had gained, how much of a help around the Ponderosa he could be. 'I'll make you proud, Pa,' he thought. 'I'll make you proud.'

But it wasn't just seeing his Pa that made Adam nervous. He realized that he was anxious to see his younger brothers, too. 'Hoss'll probably be about a foot taller than me now,' he grinned to himself. He had been gaining on Adam fast four years ago, and now, being 16, Adam was sure he had surpassed him in size.

Then there was his little brother, Joe. Adam remembered the day he had left for school, and the memory still made him a little sad. Joe had only been six years old when Adam had left, with his big green eyes full of tears—he'd made Adam feel as if he was abandoning him. And, in a small way, he had been abandoned. Adam had almost exclusively taken care of the small boy before he left, after his mother had died and his father had been unable to deal with his grief for a time, leaving his sons to in some ways to fend for themselves. They had grown so close in that time. A part of Adam's heart had been left back at the Ponderosa that day, and it was a part that he was hoping he would be able to get back today. Oh, how he couldn't wait to see that little guy again!

Adam leaned back in the seat of the rocking coach, tipping his hat forward to cover his eyes. There was still some time left before he arrived in Virginia City, and he found himself becoming lost in the memories. So much had happened through the years…

XXXXXX

Eleven year old Adam Cartwright was not a happy young man. His pa had just returned from a business trip to New Orleans, but he was not alone. A woman was with him, a woman who his pa had just had the nerve to tell him was his new mother!

'I don't need a new mother!" he had stated sternly, his dark brown eyes glaring angrily at his father. He had no recollection of his own mother, as she had died in childbirth, and the only mother he had ever known, his stepmother Inger, had died six years ago in an Indian attack. No, he certainly did not need a new mother. Especially not a woman like this.

Adam stared disdainfully at the woman in front of him, causing her to blush slightly and turn up her button nose with a frown. She was young, and pretty enough in her own way, but had an air about her that Adam found irritating. She had a look in her eyes that suggested that she was used to getting what she wanted. Her lips curled in a slight pout, but even at eleven years old, Adam could read the defiance in her eyes. He already had her figured out, so he thought. 'An opportunity seeker!' he thought to himself. Suddenly, the look in Marie's eyes changed too.

'Adam!' Ben admonished, rather surprised that his usually well-mannered boy was being so disrespectful.

'Oh, darling, do not worry,' Marie gushed, trying to soothe her new husband. The sing-song voice she employed only succeeded in causing the young boy in front of her to bristle with more irritation. 'It is a big change for him. It will surely take some time.'

Ben turned away and Marie gave the young boy in front of her a fierce grin, showing him her displeasure with him. Adam rolled his eyes and turned away in disgust.

Ben went into the other room, and Marie then grabbed the boy by his arms and spun him around to face her. 'Now, you listen to me, cherie,' she said fiercely, her eyes staring down hard into the young face before her. 'I married your father, and there is nothing you can do about it! We will have an understanding!' She smiled sweetly at the boy, but her eyes were still hard. She then turned to follow her husband into the other room. The boy seethed to himself and vowed he wouldn't be fooled.

'No,' Adam thought to himself as the coach rocked on, 'I wasn't very easy on Marie when she first came.' They had been at odds almost constantly. His six year old brother Hoss, however, had practically worshipped this new mother, the first mother he had ever known. Marie, for her part, had taken over as her young stepson's mother whole heartedly, giving the little boy much attention and love. Things had settled into a normal, if slightly tense, routine.

That routine had changed about eight months later, on a cold fall night. Adam still shivered when he thought about it. Marie had been expecting a baby, but it was too soon and it wasn't going well. There had been so much screaming going on in the house that Adam had had to take his small brother away from the house so they could escape it. His pa had stayed with Marie, so the two young boys were on their own. Adam had taken his young brother fishing and they had stayed at the pond until he thought they would both freeze.

After many hours, Adam and his young brother made their way back to the house. It was quiet, and Adam hesitatingly brought his young brother inside the warm house. They had been freezing, but he couldn't let his little brother hear all that noise. The little boy had already been worried about his ma. And in all honesty, Adam himself had been quite worried too, having slowly started having some affectionate feelings for his stepmother. She actually wasn't all that bad when it was all said and done.

The two boys went through the quiet house, up the stairs to the bedroom at the end of the hall. Pushing open the door, Adam and Hoss were met with the warm glow of the lamp and happy smiles from their pa and Marie. A small bundle was cuddled in Marie's arms.

'Adam, Hoss!' Ben smiled at his boys. 'Come meet your new brother, Joseph!' He led them over to the side of the bed, where Marie pulled the blankets back from the small bundle to reveal a tiny baby.

'Well, what do you think?" Marie whispered, directing her question at both boys but with her eyes on her oldest stepson.

Hoss stared at the little baby and laughed when he stretched his tiny mouth into a yawn. Adam could do nothing but stare in awe at the tiny form in Marie's arms.

'He shore is tiny!' yelled Hoss, laughing. He reached up and gave his ma a hug.

'Yes, yes he is,' Marie whispered, hugging the child to her. 'We'll have to take good care of him to make sure he gets big and strong!' She looked up at Adam again, waiting for his response.

Adam reached out his finger and softly rubbed it against the small cheek. He felt the softness of the skin and saw the absolute helplessness of the tiny life in front of him. His eyes filled with tears as he gazed with complete adoration at the small baby. He had never felt so much love before. 'Oh, he's beautiful,' he whispered. 'I love him already. Can I hold him please?'

Marie hesitated just a moment, but, glancing at her husband and then back to Adam, she gently lifted the small bundle into the boy's arms. Cuddling the tiny child to his chest, the boy felt something he had never felt before-a sense of completion came over him. He felt his life was complete now, and he never wanted to be without this completeness again.

As the coach bounced again over another rock, Adam's musings drifted ahead, this time five years after his brother had been born. It had been a few days after Marie's horse-riding accident. The days had been terrible. After the funeral, his father had shut down completely, staying in his bedroom drinking brandy. He didn't come out to work or to see his grieving children; he just didn't function at all. Sixteen-year-old Adam had taken over the responsibilities of running the ranch, and was trying to help his two younger brothers cope as well. He too felt the loss of his stepmother; after his young brother had been born they had gotten along quite a bit better. Their adoration for Joe had brought them together.

Hoss had been devastated at the loss of his stepmother, but Little Joe had been inconsolable. A five year old does not understand death, and it was hard for Adam to explain, especially with his own heart breaking, to this young child that his mama was not ever coming back to be with him again. Daily, Joe would ask where his mama was, and daily Adam would have to explain again, and daily Joe would start crying and it was so hard each day that Adam could hardly bear it.

That night, Adam crawled warily into bed, his heart heavy. He, too, was grieving, but there was just so much to do around the ranch. And with his father not around to do it, it was all up to him. He didn't know how much more he could take. As he turned to face the wall, praying sleep would come, a small hand touched his back.

He turned around, and saw his small brother standing in front of him. The little boy was rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand and the thumb of his other hand was firmly in his mouth. Adam's heart melted at the tear-stained cheeks and the tousled curls. He knew what the boy needed, so he stretched open his arms to him.

Joe fell into the outstretched arms, burying his face in his brother's nightshirt. He clung to him as sobs racked his small body. Adam held him tight, and through the tears that fell down his own cheeks, he whispered comfortingly to the little boy. 'It's ok, little buddy. Sshh, I love you. It's ok.' Gradually, the tears subsided and the little boy grew quiet. Just when Adam thought the little boy was asleep, Little Joe whispered softly, 'I love you, Adam.'

Adam felt emotion rush over him as he clung even tighter to the little boy. 'I love you, too, little buddy.' Joe shared his brother's bed that night. It would be the first of many nights that Joe would do this, his little arms hugging his brother's neck tightly, knowing that he was safe. These were the nights that Adam got the most sleep, the nights when he was comforting and being comforted by the little boy next to him.

'But there had been a few times when Joe wasn't waiting for an opportunity to hug his older brother,' Adam thought ruefully as he stretched his aching body and tried to find a comfortable position in the rocking coach. He remembered one explosive day, when he himself had been the subject of his youngest brother's now-famous wrath. Eight months after his mother's death, a new tragedy had struck the newly six year old boy—the first day of school.

His pa had resumed most of the fatherly tasks, finally putting behind him the intense grief that had kept him locked in his bedroom for months. But he had asked Adam to speak to his brother about school. Adam had always been passionate about learning, and Ben had hoped he would be able to coax his younger brother into at least being agreeable to the whole thing. But, regardless of what Adam said, there was no change in the young boy's temperament about the idea. Joe screamed, cried, begged, kicked, and even tried to bite once, but to school he was to go. It had been the first time that Joe had avoided his older brother, and Adam had felt the slight sharply.

The morning came. Joe was sullen, refusing to look at his pa or his brothers, even Hoss couldn't cheer him. He sat at the table staring at his plate. Adam felt slightly sorry for the boy; he knew he was scared and his anger was the way he was lashing out at the fright.

'Time to go, Joseph,' Ben said sternly, reaching down to put his hand on his son's shoulder as Joe began to lash his head back in the now daily show of rage. Adam cleared his throat and looked at his father, 'Let me, Pa.'

Ben agreed, as he was getting angry with the behavior of his youngest son. Adam lifted the small boy from his chair and was rewarded for his efforts with a sharp kick to the shin. Adam tried not to shout and laugh at the same time as he held the boy firmly in his grasp.

'Joseph, apologize to your brother now!' Ben roared, lunging near his young son, threatening him with a swat to his behind.

'Sa..sorry, Adam,' Joe stuttered, not really sorry but scared enough of the thought of his Pa's big hand on his small behind. Adam just shook his head as he marched his little brother outside to his horse.

Adam boosted his brother onto the horse and got up in the saddle behind him. The ride was a quiet one. Adam bit his tongue and kept quiet as he felt the rigid pose of a very angry little boy. He knew the boy well enough to know he would talk when he was ready.

Suddenly, Joe spun around in the saddle, putting his arms around his brother's waist. His sobs caught Adam by surprise. He had expected anger, but this desperate fear, as he now knew it was, was unexpected. A wash of love and concern crossed his face as he gasped at his brother, 'Joe!' He tried to soothe the distraught boy, stopping his horse and cuddling the boy to his chest. 'What's the matter?'

'Don't leave me, Adam!' he cried, sobbing harder. 'Don't leave me!'

'Oh, Joe,' Adam whispered, realizing why the boy was so upset. He hadn't been alone since his mother had died. There had always been someone with him, and today he would be alone. Sure, Hoss would be joining him at school in a few weeks, once some work at the ranch was done, but today the small boy would be all alone. Tears threatened in Adam's eyes as he hugged the boy. 'I won't leave, I promise. It'll be ok, little buddy.'

Adam waited until the tears had subsided, then smiled down at the small boy. 'You know I can't go in there today with you, right?' The small boy nodded sadly, tears threatening again. 'But, hey, listen,' Adam smiled, lifting his brother's chin so he could look straight into the shimmering green eyes, 'I'll be right here today when you're done. Maybe we can stop at the fishing hole on the way home?" Joe managed a small smile.

Adam rode Joe into the schoolyard and lowered his brother to the ground. Dropping to his knees in front of his brother, he looked Joe in the eyes again. 'Remember, I'll be waiting,' he smiled. 'Don't forget!'

'Ok,' Joe said, turning towards the schoolhouse door. He hesitated and ran back to his brother. Throwing his arms around him, he cried, 'I love you, Adam!'

'I love you too, little buddy,' Adam whispered, the lump in his throat returning. 'I love you too.'

Adam was jolted from his memories by a thud and the sudden stillness of the coach. 'Virginia City!' called the driver.

Adam could feel the nervousness return as he waited his turn to exit the coach. He wasn't sure why he was nervous, but it was there. 'Oh, let it be like it used to be,' he pleaded silently. Taking a deep breath, he stepped down from the coach onto the dusty streets of home. He was back.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'd like to thank everyone who has posted a review-thanks so much for the encouraging words! I hope that you continue to enjoy my story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the main characters, just the supporting cast and the emotions.**

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Adam gazed around the edge of the coach, staring blankly into the setting sun, trying to get his bearings. It had been dark inside the coach, so the sun was playing games with his eyes. He hadn't made out all the shapes in front of his eyes yet when two strong arms lifted him up, off the ground, in a huge bear hug.

'Adam!' he heard a voice cry as his pa set him back down on the ground, releasing him from the embrace and taking his hand to shake. Adam smiled at his pa. 'It's good to see you, son!'

'It's good to be home, Pa,' he said, giving his father another hug. 'It sure is a long trip! I thought I'd never get off that thing!' he smiled warily, thinking of his aching back.

'But well worth it, I see,' Ben said, looking his boy up and down with proud eyes. He could see that the boy was just fine; relief and a hint of sadness crossed his mind at the thought. His boy was a man now. It sure made him proud to hear that his son had graduated at the top of his class. He hadn't expected anything less of his son, but it sure did his heart good to have it be a fact.

A small twinge of regret came over Ben as he thought about how he wished he could have been there to see his son graduate. Adam saw the look in his father's eyes and knew what he was thinking.

'Now, Pa, I know you would have come to the graduation if you could have,' he started, surprising Ben with his accurate ability of reading him. 'Don't be sorry about it. I'm just so glad that I was able to go and now come back.' And he was; he meant it completely. He held no ill will against his father for not coming, he knew it wasn't possible to even consider, not with the ranch work and his two younger brothers. There was no need for his pa to feel sorry.

Ben looked at his son, a mixture of shame and pride struggling in his eyes before the pride won out. 'Adam, it sure does my heart good to have you back. There have been a lot of changes on the ranch, and I'm going to need your help.'

Adam smiled at his father, glad that he had been able to restore the peace to his father's heart. He had known all along that his pa would feel guilty. He was just so happy that he was still needed by his father, so happy that he was finally home.

'Hey, can't ya be sayin' hello to anyone else, big brother?' a voice dragged him out of his thoughts. Adam tilted his head back and looked up at the large, gentle boy in front of him. Although one could hardly call him a boy any longer. Why, just as he had suspected, Hoss had to be at least six inches taller than him!

'Hoss!' Adam grinned, being lifted even higher off the ground by his brother's embrace than he was by his father's. 'I go away for a while, and what happens?'

'Aw, shucks, just been workin' hard on the ranch,' Hoss grinned good-naturedly.

'And eating!' his father laughed behind him.

'Yeah, reckon I been doin' some of that too,' he laughed back. Looking down at his big brother, he grinned wickedly and decided to poke a little fun. 'Don't seem that there school done fed you very much, big brother. Seems you ain't changed one bit!'

'Oh, I did as well as possible,' Adam smiled. 'They just don't have Hop Sing's excellent culinary skills at college.'

'One reason I'd never leave,' Hoss joked. 'Couldn't stand to go out 'n starve to death, not for any old book learnin'!'

All the while he'd been joking and talking with his pa and Hoss, Adam's eyes had been scanning the busy street behind him. Finally, tucked behind the back corner of the stage, almost out of his view, he saw them. A pair of blazing emerald eyes, blinking almost shyly back at him.

'Joe,' his father called, pulling the small figure forward. 'Go see your brother, son!'

Adam felt a lump in his throat as he looked into the face of his now ten-year-old brother. The boy was taller then he remembered, having grown some but still small for his age. Gone was the stuffed bear that had been his brother's constant companion when Adam had left, but the tousled curls were still the same. He no longer had the gap in his front teeth, and the emerald eyes were not sad. Adam wasn't sure what he saw in those eyes; it appeared to be a mixture of uncertainty and joy. Adam could no longer resist the yearning to hold the little boy again, and he reached out, grabbing him close.

'Oh, Little Joe,' he smiled, trying to fight back tears. 'It's so good to see you—you've grown up a lot!'

'Hi, Adam,' the small boy said, giving him a smile as he was trying to squirm out of the tight embrace. His eyes shone at Adam, though, and the hint of uncertainty was gone. Joe reached around his brother's waist and gave him another hug, a decidedly more grown up one. 'I guess the little guy has grown up some,' Adam thought, almost a little sadly. He hugged the boy's shoulders tightly.

'Well, how about we go over to the hotel and get a bite to eat?' Ben asked, picking up his son's bag. The four walked over to the hotel.

They didn't linger over dinner, however, as it was a long ride home. It was quite late by the time they rode into the yard, and Adam could see his littlest brother was on the verge of falling asleep in the saddle. Adam smiled to himself.

'Mista Adam, Mista Adam!' a loud shout startled Adam out of his thoughts. The small man standing in front of him grinned broadly. 'Good to have number one son back home!' Hop Sing stated, giving Adam a firm handshake. 'You want eat something?' he asked.

'It's good to be back, Hop Sing! Maybe some coffee...' Adam started, to which Hoss responded, 'Coffee! Hop Sing, you got anythin' more fillin' than coffee in there? I'm wastin' away here!'

They all exchanged a laugh as they walked into the house. Ben opened the door, and as he entered, Adam's eyes scanned the room, remembering back to when he had left four years ago. The furniture, décor, everything was the same. Nothing had changed.

They all sat down at the big dining table. Adam could see that Hop Sing had not only made coffee, but had also managed to whip up some blueberry pie, his favorite. It had been a long time since he'd had any of that good pie, and he grinned as Hoss exclaimed, 'Hope you made more than one of them pies!'

As they ate their pie, Ben continued to ask Adam questions about school, questions Adam readily answered. He, in turn, asked questions about the ranch's activities, and he was pleased by the answers his father gave him. There would be many ranch projects that his schooling would be a valuable asset to. Hoss, taking breaks now and then from his pie, would add in comments concerning his own ranch activities. At sixteen, he was now done with school and was working on the ranch full-time. He was proud of his accomplishments and Adam smiled at the thought of working with his brother again.

One voice was missing from the chatter, however. Adam looked over to where his littlest brother was sitting and smiled. His little brother had fallen asleep at the table, his head down next to his plate of pie. He still had the spoon grasped tightly in his hand, but the exhausting activities of the day had caught up with him.

'Pa, look,' Hoss pointed at the sleeping Joe. Ben reached over to shake the boy's shoulder to wake him, but Adam cleared his throat and shook his head. Ben smiled at his oldest son, knowing what he wanted to do.

Adam stood from the table and lifted the small boy into his arms. Ben came around next to him and took the spoon from the boy's hand. Adam adjusted Little Joe in his arms, and made his way over to the stairs. He slowly climbed the stairs, as he had done so often all those years ago, and reached for the doorknob to his brother's room. He opened the door and carried his still-sleeping brother to the bed.

Adam laid Joe gently down on the bed, and went over to the pitcher in the corner to dampen a cloth to wipe the blueberry pie from Joe's mouth. Once done, he moved to the dresser and took one of his pa's old shirts out of the drawer. He took off Joe's boots and clothes and lovingly pulled the shirt over his head. He tucked him in carefully and kissed his forehead, just as he had done so many times before.

Adam's heart twisted and tears came to his eyes at the thought that he was really, truly home. He gazed on last time at the small figure sleeping in the bed and whispered, 'Goodnight, little buddy. I love you.' It was good to be home.

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Joe woke the next morning, confused as to his whereabouts. He looked around in dismay as he realized that it was morning, he was in his bed, and he had no recollection of how he had gotten there. The last he remembered was eating pie, and to his mortification he realized he must have fallen asleep and somebody had put him to bed, just like a baby.

And if there was one thing Joseph Cartwright didn't like, it was anyone thinking he was a baby. Yeah, he was still smaller than all the other kids at school, but he was tough and could handle himself. The notes home to his pa for fighting in school were proof of that.

He was especially disgusted at his weakness this morning, however. He had wanted to prove to his big brother that he was grown up and someone that he could be proud of, and yet, here he had fallen asleep at the table just like a little kid! 'Yeah, I'm sure he thinks I'm still just a baby,' he sighed to himself.

Joe grumpily pulled some clothes from the drawer, quickly dressed, and sulked as he made his way downstairs. Truth be told, he didn't even want to go to breakfast, to see his brother; he was too embarrassed. Adam was so big and strong and perfect; he knew so because his pa had always been saying such things ever since he'd left to go to college. Joe remembered the words yet, 'Joe, you have to eat to get big and strong like Adam.' 'Joe, you need to pay attention in school and study so you can be smart like Adam.' 'Joe, Adam wouldn't do that,' and 'Joe, Adam always did it this way.' His pa had said it, his teacher at school had said it, heck, even Hoss had said it a few times!

Joe positively adored his oldest brother; they had been inseparable until Adam had gone away to school. Joe had always been aware of the presence of his big brother; even when he had been away his presence was still there, the perfect son and brother. Joe had realized quickly that his brother was a person to whom he had no chance of competing. Joe wanted so much to make his brother proud of him, to show him he could be just as good, that this show of weakness on his part made him almost sick to his stomach.

Joe had actually been afraid for a long time after his brother had left that he wouldn't come back. He remembered the day Adam had left, getting on the stage back east. He had been a baby that day, Joe remembered. He'd held onto Adam until the last minute, crying into his shoulder, begging him not to go. His brother had played along, however, and let him cry his tears, all the while rubbing his back and whispering silly things in his ear to try to get him to stop crying. When, finally, it was time for the stage to leave, Adam had had to pry Joe's arms from around his neck. Joe had held onto his father's waist and cried the whole way home. Hoss had tried to joke with him, but even Hoss couldn't make it better that day.

That night, Joe shuddered as he remembered, the first nightmare came. Bad ones, like the ones he'd had when his ma had died. He didn't tell anyone right away, but Hoss had figured it out quick. Joe never could keep anything from Hoss; the two could read each others' minds without a word spoken. Hoss had tried to explain to Joe that Adam would come back; it had taken some time but eventually he was successful. Joe stopped having the awful nightmares and decided he wanted to show his big brother, when he got home, that he could be proud of him.

And that started with acting like a man. Joe had been working hard at being grown up during the last four years. Even though he was still a young child, he did the chores he was capable of doing, lacking in size perhaps but not in heart. So hard was he working on this, that he didn't notice the mixture of pride and sorrow in his father's eyes—pride at what he was becoming, but sorrow that his baby was growing up.

'And,' Joe thought, angry at himself, 'I ruined all that hard work already by falling asleep at the table!'

Joe sat with a small sigh at the table, scanning the faces of his father and brothers before quickly lowering his eyes to the table. He was just waiting for some kind of smart remark about his falling asleep at the table last night, but there wasn't one. He scooped some scrambled eggs onto his plate and began to quietly eat.

'Good morning, Joseph,' Ben said warmly, watching his youngest with a smile. Seeing his son reminded him of the previous evening, watching his oldest and youngest together. It had warmed his heart, reminding him of the happy times they had had before Adam had left. There were times when he wanted to go back to those days; he had missed his eldest and he missed his little boy, even though he was awfully proud of the man he was becoming! 'Did you sleep well?'

Joe cringed slightly, thinking of the previous night's events, but hearing no admonishment in his father's remark, looked up at his pa carefully. Ben smiled at his son, slightly puzzled at the hesitant look on his youngest's face.

'Yeah, I guess so,' Joe mumbled, going back to his plate of eggs.

'Yeah, ya sure were tired!' Hoss smiled at his little brother. 'Adam had to carry ya up to bed and everything!' He meant nothing by the comment, unaware of the trouble it would cause. The memory caused Adam to smile affectionately at his little brother.

'Oh,' Joe mumbled, the color rising in his cheeks and flushing his face. To his credit, he kept his composure, but inside he wanted to crawl under the table in embarrassment. 'What could be worse?' he groaned inwardly. 'He must really think I'm a baby!'

Adam saw the color rise in his brother's face and frowned slightly. He wasn't sure what was wrong. 'Something bothering you, little buddy?'

Adam saw Joe flinch, almost as if he had shouted at him. The small boy looked up at his brother and shook his head. 'No, nothin's bothering me. You coulda woke me up, though. No need of troubling yourself with putting me to bed.'

'It wasn't any trouble,' Adam protested, a bit hurt at his brother's reaction.

'Pa, can I be excused?' Joe asked, ignoring his brother's protest. 'I don't want to be late for school.' When Ben nodded his approval, the small boy jumped up from the table and ran out the front door.

Adam stared after his brother, dismayed and hurt. He couldn't understand what the problem was. After all, he had put Joe to bed so many times before; he couldn't even keep count of how many times he had done it. Ben sighed, so much for the warm 'back when' memories. Hoss looked regretfully over at his older brother.

'Sorry, Adam.'

'For what?' Adam asked, turning back to the table to face his brother.

'For forgettin' to tell you that Little Joe's all grown up now,' Hoss replied. 'He don't want no one coddling him or callin' him 'baby' names, and 'little buddy' is one of 'em. Sorry, with ya being' gone so long, I forgot. Joe's real set against it.'

Adam turned to his father, surprise and dismay coloring his face. Ben just nodded his head sadly at his eldest son to confirm what Hoss had said.

'Grown up?' Adam wondered to himself. 'Yes, I know Joe is older now, but all grown up?' He didn't want it to be true, at least not all of it. He wanted those days back again. He'd missed those days.

'Well, never mind, boys,' Ben sighed, changing the subject in hopes of alleviating the slight tension building in the room. 'We need to look at the plans for the new mine up on the north ridge, and we might as well start today!'

'Not going to give a man any time to settle back in, are you?" Adam lightly joked, trying to shake off the hurt he was feeling at the moment. It was still good to be home, but he now knew that things were definitely going to be different.

TBC

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**Oh, the problems that are created... I hope this chapter keeps with the tone I set in the first chapter. Constructive reviews welcome, please!**

**I am working on the next chapter; however, I will admit to a rookie mistake. I wrote some of the later chapters first, and now I have to re-work them a bit because they don't fit. So it might take me a little more time to get the next chapter published. I won't do that again! **

**Thanks again everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi, everyone! Thanks again for the nice reviews and comments. I hope you continue to enjoy!**

**I'll admit that this has taken a slightly different turn from what I first envisioned, but I am happy with the result. It means reworking what I wrote for further chapters a bit, but that is part of the fun! I also am realizing that each chapter is getting longer than the previous; again, part of the fun!**

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Ben, Adam and Hoss returned late that afternoon, having spent a very busy day out on the north ridge. They had spent the morning pouring over plans for the new mine that was to be built, scoping out every detail from start to finish. Adam's education had proven to be invaluable in the plans, and he had already made many good suggestions to his father. After lunch, the three had left to ride up to the location, making adjustments to the written plans as was dictated by the terrain.

Ben watched his eldest son with a deep pride in his eyes. Adam was cool, calm, and focused on the task before him. He was nothing but confident in his calculations, and Ben realized just how much he needed his son for this project. Even after just one day of looking at the preliminary plans, Ben could see how much money and time Adam's suggestions would save. He knew from experience when to step down and let a more knowledgeable person intervene, and he gladly did so now. It was a relief to him that he could focus on some of the ranch's other demanding activities, knowing that this project would be in his son's capable hands.

Ben was also proud of his younger son's involvement that day. Hoss had shown that he was interested in what his brother knew, and he gladly sat taking in the knowledge his brother had, offering his own input when hr deemed it appropriate.

'Yes,' Ben thought to himself, 'I really have two fine young men here who can handle this whole project.' The thought left Ben feeling deeply satisfied.

They rode into the barn and took care of the horses; afterwards, Ben excused himself to his room before dinner. He had to finish getting ready the surprise he had planned for his eldest's homecoming.

He had spent considerable time on the surprise, and he couldn't wait for his son to open it that night after dinner. He knew that it would make Adam proud, and above all Ben wanted his son to know how proud he was of him.

Adam and Hoss came inside and sat down in front of the fireplace, continuing the discussion that had been carried on since the ride back from the north ridge. Adam was talking to Hoss about the amount of lumber they would need to start building the new mine.

'You see, it will take at least two months' worth of hauling…'Adam explained, pointing to the plans laid out on the table. Suddenly, he was interrupted by a loud slam of the front door, giving him cause to almost jump from his chair in surprise.

He whirled around toward the front door, his eyes somewhat shocked, and was met with the sight of Little Joe barreling through the living room, not paying attention to anyone or anything. Hoss looked up, amusement on his face, and scoffed at his little brother,

'Hey, shortshanks! Where's the fire?'

Joe skidded to a stop, scowling at Hoss, turning his eyes away quickly. Not quick enough, however, for Adam to miss the bright flushed cheeks and dried tear stains on his brother's face. He was up on his feet in an instant, concerned for the scene in front of him. Kneeling down in front of his brother, he asked him,

'Joe, what happened? Are you okay?'

Joe tried to keep his eyes averted, but Adam took his chin in his hands and pushed it upward, causing Joe's eyes to lock with his. The look he saw in his little brother's eyes surprised him. Joe was angry! More than angry, enraged seemed to be the appropriate term. The emerald eyes were shooting fire. Adam could only guess what had caused his brother's anger.

'Yes, I am fine,' Joe grumbled, trying to wiggle out of his brother's grip. 'Just let me go, 'kay?'

Adam dropped his hand from his brother's face and stepped back. Joe moved away, heading towards the stairs, not looking at his older brother. Hoss, his smile gone, quickly asked,

'Joe, whattcha get yourself into today? Been havin' trouble at school again?'

Adam wheeled around to look at Hoss, his eyes narrowing when a sudden, unfamiliar anger came over him. Trouble at school? More like fighting, he was sure. Was this a regular habit of his little brother? From Hoss's implication, it sure sounded like it was. Adam had always tried, before he had left, to instill a desire in his younger brother to attend school. A feeling of annoyance, coupled with a twinge of embarrassment at the scene he could picture so clearly, circled in Adam's mind.

'Maybe you should explain yourself, Joe,' he said coolly, his gaze returning to his youngest brother. Joe squirmed again under the accusing gaze; he had hoped his brothers wouldn't be in yet when he had gotten home and that he could have avoided a scene.

'Just my luck,' Joe groaned silently to himself. 'Of course they're here, and of course they want to know.' He took no comfort in the show of concern, however.

He knew Adam would be cross at him for fighting in school; Adam had always enjoyed school and thought it a great opportunity for Joe to be able to attend. That much hadn't changed, as was almost painfully obvious. But other things most certainly had changed. He was sad, and angry too, that Adam had immediately jumped to being angry with him. Before, Adam would have listened to him explain, at least giving him a chance to tell his side of the story.

Joe had never liked school, regardless of how much his brother had tried to instill in him the values of a proper education. In fact, Joe hated school, especially that mean Billy Thompkins, the one who always called Joe names and found ways to exploit his insecurities.

Joe shook with anger, his eyes blazing at the memory. Today had been unbearable. His tormenter had decided on a new nickname for Joe, 'Little Joey,' and had purposefully followed him around all day. He had made cow eyes at him, twisting his mouth up into a sickeningly sweet smile, taunting him in a sing-song voice 'Widdle Joey, widdle Joey' over and over again, until Joe couldn't stand it any longer.

He admitted to himself that he had reacted predictably. It didn't matter that Billy was two years older and outweighed Joe by about thirty pounds. The minute class was over, Joe had charged at Billy to make him eat his words. The result was less than he had hoped for; he was the only one who had any marks to show for it. He knew he had at least a few scrapes on his knuckles, and he was hoping that the glancing blow that had connected with his eye wouldn't leave a tell-tale sign.

At least the teacher hadn't found out, which meant that his pa wouldn't have had to find out, except that now his brother would tell on him! Of course, Adam would tell. But it was Billy's fault, not his. Suddenly, his anger flared again.

'It was Billy's fault,' he stormed, pushing past his brothers towards the stairs. 'He started it!'

He really just wanted to go to his room. Joe had no intention of sharing the new nickname, which had caught on quite popularly with all the rest of the boys at school as well, with his older brother. His embarrassment at his situation only succeeded in making him even angrier.

Adam shook his head, his eyes hard, annoyed. 'You know better than to pick a fight at school!' he scolded condescendingly. His face held a look of disappointment, a look which Joe found unbearable.

'Yeah, well, who asked you?' Joe asked sharply, just wanting to get out of there quickly. He couldn't stand to be there one moment longer, the disappointed and angry look on his brother's face just too much for him. He ignored his brother's surprised look and ran up the stairs, slamming his door behind him.

Adam stared after his brother with his mouth hanging open, astonished and angry. He looked at Hoss, who was wearing a frown on his face. After a minute, Hoss spoke up, his quiet voice tinged with dejection.

'Guess I'll go an' talk to him. He's been havin' a hard time lately with this Billy. He's bigger n' Joe, and he likes to take it out on him. Doesn't want Pa to know; he's afraid he'll come to school an' talk to the teacher about it. Feels like bein' growed up means he's gotta handle it by himself.' He finished his explanation and turned slowly towards the stairs.

It wasn't an accusation to Adam's reaction, but that didn't change, in Adam's mind, how it felt. Adam was frustrated at his brother, but he also was frustrated with himself for jumping so quickly to the assumption that his brother was the one causing trouble. He soberly realized that he hadn't even stopped to think that there might be something else going on.

He sadly turned back to the plans for the mine and folded them up. All the joy in the day had suddenly disappeared. He realized that things had changed, and they had changed a lot.

'What else have I missed while I was away?' he wondered to himself.

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Ben, in his room, had heard the shouting downstairs, but before he could react, he heard stomping up the stairs and a door slam. A sigh escaped him as his fatherly instinct gave him an indication of what was wrong. He opened his door and met his middle son in the hallway. Hoss's look confirmed what he suspected.

'I'm gonna talk to him, Pa,' Hoss said, reaching for the doorknob to his brother's room. He disappeared inside, leaving Ben shaking his head as he made his way down the stairs.

Ben always knew that his youngest did not enjoy school, so his somewhat frequent outbursts on the subject were no longer a surprise. He also knew that Joe didn't want him to interfere; and, since the damage hadn't been severe (after all, no note from the teacher) and he knew his youngest's desire to be 'all grown up,' he'd held himself in check and hadn't 'officially' become involved.

While he was concerned about Joe, he had resolved a long time ago to let Hoss handle the situation. In the four years since Adam had been away, a closeness had developed between his two younger sons, a closeness that allowed them to communicate without even speaking. Ben recognized the closeness; it was something he had seen between Adam and Joe before Adam had gone away.

Ben noticed that Adam was sitting in front of the fireplace, absently staring into the fire. He looked sad, Ben noted, as he cleared his throat to get his son's attention. Adam looked up at him, a sad smile on his face.

'Hey, Pa,' he sighed, rubbing his hand on his face. 'I guess some things never change, huh? Like Joe not liking school?' His attempt at humor fell flat the moment it left his lips. His mind was still trying to piece together all that had happened.

Ben studied Adam for a moment. He chose his next words carefully. 'No, I suppose some things do not. Your brother has always had a temper, as you are aware, and he still doesn't like school. He probably never will. But he goes every day, and he does fairly well, too. I know he gets into the occasional 'disagreement',' he smiled when his son lifted surprised eyes to his father, 'but I also remember someone else getting into a 'disagreement' or two at school also.'

Adam's face colored slightly, and he smiled in spite of himself. True, he had gotten into a few scuffles himself. He still remembered the time he had come home from school with a busted lip, all because Gerald Burns had dared to call him a somewhat inappropriate name in front of the other boys at recess. Gerald, however, had gone home looking even worse. 'Old Jerry never had a chance,' the thought brought a wry smile to Adam's face.

Ben watched his son, and a smile crossed his own face. He so hoped that this would not spoil the whole evening. 'What's say we look at those plans again, son?' he asked, changing the subject. Adam nodded, and the two spent the rest of the time before dinner with the plans laid out in front of them, talking about the future.

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Joe sat on his bed and stared sullenly at the wall. Hoss had followed him in after just a minute, depriving him of the solitude he had desired. Hoss had been quiet for a few minutes, but, sensing that Joe wasn't going to speak up on his own, decided to start the conversation himself.

'Come on, Joe, talk to me,' Hoss urged, staring at the small boy's rigid back. Joe didn't turn around. Hoss knew that he would eventually be able to get Joe to talk to him; it was just the way they were with each other. 'That fella didn't hurt ya, did he?'

Joe continued to stare at the wall, seemingly oblivious to his brother's question. He was angry about Billy, sure, but he was more upset about what had happened downstairs. Again, he had failed in his attempt to appear grown up in front of his brother. He had shown himself again to be weak, undeserving of his brother's respect. His anger was directed mostly at himself, he realized, but he was also angry at Adam. Adam could have listened to his side of the story.

Almost on cue, as was his habit, Hoss asked suddenly, 'Ya think that Adam is disappointed in ya?'

Joe turned around, glaring at his brother, another feeling of weakness hitting him; this time the weakness being that his emotions could be read so easily. But Hoss wasn't mocking him; his pale eyes were concerned, and Joe felt his anger melting away.

'Yeah, I've done a real good job at it so far,' he sighed, tears threatening. 'I guess I still am just a baby.'

'Nah,' Hoss said hastily. 'Ya just know how Adam feels about school and all. He always got right wound-up whenever it came to anything that had to do with book learnin'. 'Member when I put the frog in his lunch pail?' Hoss snorted, remembering the day.

Joe snickered in spite of himself. He had only been five then, and wasn't even in school at the time, but he remembered the day when Adam rode back to the house, sore as anything at Hoss for the trick. Adam hadn't spoken to Hoss for three days! Joe had been guilty himself of adding to the prank, sneaking up behind his older brother when his back was turned, making loud amphibian noises in the deepest voice a five year old could muster. It had only succeeded in getting him some glowering stares in return, but it had sure had been fun.

'Yeah, I know,' Joe admitted. 'I let my temper get the best of me again. But that ol' Billy is terrible, Hoss! Why's he got to pick on me all the time?'

'I don't know, buddy,' Hoss soothed. 'Maybe he ain't got no sense. After all, you're getting' to be so growed up, he's gonna git beat up sooner or later!' He smiled at Joe, who smiled back at him. Somehow, Hoss always made it better.

'Kinda like how Adam used to make it all better,' Joe thought to himself sadly. Out loud he said, 'Woulda been nice if Adam had let me explain though.'

'Yeah,' Hoss agreed, who had been glad to see the start of a smile return to his brother's face. 'But ya got to remember, Adam ain't been back long. He 'members ya when ya were too little to take care of yourself. He'll see, don't ya worry.' He studied his little brother again before getting to his feet. Satisfied that the situation was now under control, he decided to change the subject. 'Now, come on! Dinner should be jist about ready, and I'm so hungry I could eat the table. Ya better come quick iffen ya want any.'

Joe smiled up at his brother and followed him from the room, a new determination in his eyes. He would prove to his brother that he was old enough to take care of himself. Somehow, he would make his brother proud.

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Dinner was a rather quiet affair, not unpleasant, but certainly quiet. Ben thought it might be best for him to refrain from asking his youngest how school had been, in light of the recent situation and due to the fact that Joe now appeared calmer than he obviously had been earlier. He knew from experience dealing with his youngest son that sometimes it was better to just let it be. Besides, Hoss had talked to Joe, and if there was any trouble that warranted Ben's attention he knew that his middle son would not hesitate to tell him.

Hoss ate quietly, looking up once in a while to look at his younger brother. Joe kept his eyes on his plate, silently hoping that the day's antics would not be disclosed to his father.

Adam remained quiet also, lost in his thoughts on the day. He was still frustrated with himself, and was busily trying to determine why he had reacted the way he had. He was somewhat ashamed of his behavior. He had forgotten, even momentarily, that he had been Joe's age once, that he had himself gotten into scrapes before. He had arrogantly assumed the worst, and he wasn't sure why he had done it or how he could fix it. He couldn't come to any conclusions, and finally decided that it would be best to leave it be for the evening. What with the trip home yesterday, and spending the day with the plans for the mine, he was exhausted and rather short-tempered.

His mind focused back to the present when he realized that his father had spoken to him. As he had not caught what his father had said, he looked up quickly with puzzled eyes, 'What? Sorry, Pa, I was just lost in my thoughts.'

'I can see that,' Ben smiled. 'I was just saying that I had something in the front room that I wanted you to take a look at.' He stood from his chair, and, indicating to his sons to follow, he moved to the front room.

Adam shot a questioning look at Hoss, who just shrugged and followed after his father. Joe didn't look up one way or the other, but followed his brother in. Adam was last, still wondering what it was that his father wanted him to see.

Once they had all gathered by the fireplace, Ben made his announcement. His eyes full of pride; he looked at his eldest son and stated, 'Adam, I am so proud of you. You have worked very hard these last four years to earn your college degree. You went far away, all alone, but you persevered and graduated at the top of your class. I am so glad that you are home, and I hope this small token can, at least in a small way, show you how proud I am. I hope you like it.'

Ben reached behind his desk and pulled out a handsomely wrapped box, handing it to Adam. Adam reached out, suddenly a bit anxious as his hands began to tremble, and took the package from his father.

'Open it, son,' Ben encouraged, and Adam sucked in his breath and began to open the box.

'Oh, Pa,' he breathed, a lump forming in his throat. Inside the box, wrapped carefully in paper to prevent it from breaking, was a beautiful, hand-carved frame. He ran his hand over the smooth wood, fingering the intricate designs that had been slowly and painstakingly worked into the surface. Inside the frame, below the glass, was his diploma, the symbol of all his hard work. He knew that his father had made the frame, probably spending weeks carving it, and he knew that he must have waited late last night, staying up very late, to dig the document out of his son's bag after he had gone to bed. Seeing the diploma in the frame made all the hard work and loneliness he had endured for four years worth it.

He looked at his father with tears in his eyes but was unable to say anything. Ben smiled and reached out to give his son a hug. Taking the frame from Adam's hands, he moved to hang it on the wall, directly above the fireplace. 'I think this is a good spot to hang it, son.'

'Shore is nice, Pa,' Hoss admired, turning to his brother to shake his hand. Adam just nodded in agreement. Joe stood quietly, his green eyes staring wistfully at the frame on the wall.

'Well, let's say we get back to dessert!' Hoss smiled, turning back to the dining room, his father right behind him. As Adam turned to follow, he was stopped by a small hand touching his sleeve. He turned around and looked into the shimmering green eyes of his little brother.

'Uh, Adam,' Joe stuttered, trying to control his rapid heartbeat, 'I'm, ah, I'm sorry about earlier. Thanks for not saying anything to Pa.' He dropped his gaze and stood staring at his feet.

Adam again felt a rush of emotions, and wanted to reach out to give the boy a hug. Remembering, though, about Joe wanting to be grown up, he just nodded his head and said slowly, 'Yeah, me too. I should have let you explain.' His heart was pounding and a small hope of resolution flickered. 'Maybe, just maybe,' he thought to himself.

'Do you want to talk about it?' he asked aloud, his voice calm, hopeful.

'Nah, me an' Hoss talked it out already,' Joe mumbled, unaware of the hurt he was causing his brother. 'We understand each other, and it helps.' He turned and walked back to the dining room, completely oblivious to the utterly crushed expression spreading across his brother's face.

Adam stood numbly, his face drawn, tears in his eyes. He didn't know how he felt. Then, painfully, it hit him.

'Joe doesn't need me.'

The devastation he felt from those four small words tore at his heart. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

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**As before, I am going for character consistency, so please keep me on track and keep the reviews coming! Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry it took a while to get this next chapter up...rookie mistake #2: always make sure you have your chapters saved in more than one place so that if your computer gets a virus, you don't lose everything! Sad to say, that's what happened to chapter 4, so I had to recreate :( Hopefully this does the 'lost chapter 4' justice.**

**Anyway, I hope that the wait was worth it! This chapter was really long, so I actually split it into two chapters. Just means that maybe I'll get the next one up faster :)**

**Special thanks to Rachel L Driscoll for your very nice reviews. They made my day. **

**Enjoy!**

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Adam sighed wearily as he tried to adjust his position in the saddle, trying to relieve the aching he was feeling in his back. Finding slight relief, he turned his horse in the right direction to finish the last few tired miles to home.

It had been a long week of bone-tiring work. His four years of school had made him slightly unaccustomed to the daily grind of ranch life. Sure, he had been doing a full day's worth of work for years, but the time away had caused a curious endurance problem. His muscles protested in every way, and he ruefully smiled at the thought of a nice hot bath when he got home.

The ranch had grown considerably in his absence, and with growth came more work. The new mining project, while important, was hardly the only activity that needed their attention. Adam and Hoss had spent the last week mending fence and gathering strays. The annual cattle sale in Virginia City was fast approaching, and everyone was needed to get things ready.

But Adam knew that it wasn't only the physical work that was causing his extreme weariness. His heart was heavy with the disappointment of the realization that his brother no longer needed him. He could still hear the words in his ears and feel the stinging pain they had caused to his heart. He had wanted so much to come back to what he had left, but instead he had come back virtually an unneeded stranger. And that hurt.

His mind wandered sadly back over the events of the past week. There had been no more quarrels or misunderstandings, but there hadn't really been any warmth or affection either. His brother had carefully avoided any real attempts to talk or spend time together. Whenever Adam tried to engage his brother, whether in conversation or task, Joe had smiled, made the necessary small talk, and had promptly excused himself at the first moment possible. The interactions hadn't been unpleasant, but made Adam feel like a houseguest rather than a brother. The two that had shared so much in a previous life now no longer had a single thing to keep them connected.

Hoss, riding next to Adam, watched his older brother intently. He could read the sadness in his brother's eyes, and he figured that he knew the cause of it. It had been going on this way since the night their pa had given Adam the gift. Adam hadn't said anything about what had happened that night, but Hoss suspected that Joe had said something to Adam that had hurt him terribly.

He also had the feeling that Adam was upset about Joe confiding in Hoss rather than in him. While he felt privileged and proud of his younger brother's confidence in him, Hoss felt that he could understand the sadness that Adam was feeling. He remembered back to those days, before Adam had left, when his younger brother had simply worshipped Adam. Now, Joe would hardly talk to his brother at all. Hoss shook his head sadly. If he himself had lost that kind of relationship with his little brother, Hoss knew he probably wouldn't be able to take it either. So, yes, he could feel for Adam now.

The awkwardness, however, was getting hard to take. Each night Hoss would be in the middle of his two brothers, one wanting to go back to the past and the other trying to hurry up into the future. He knew, from experience and observation, that Joe wasn't trying to intentionally hurt his older brother, that he just wanted to prove something, but he also knew that Adam was indeed hurting.

Above everything, Hoss wanted to take away some of that hurt. Looking again at the sad face of his older brother, Hoss decided that they needed to have a conversation about it. Maybe if Adam could understand where Joe was coming from, the real reason he was acting this way, he wouldn't be so sad.

That being said, Hoss was too tired and hungry to get into that type of discussion at the moment. This was something better left for earlier in the day. He made a mental note to speak to Adam about it the next morning, as they were supposed to be riding fence again the next day. Hoss shook his head again and turned his eyes away. Adam, meanwhile, was so lost in his own thoughts that he was oblivious to his brother's glances in his direction.

Adam sighed again as the house came into view. It had been a long week, and he was so tired. Trying to, at least temporarily, repress the depressing thoughts swirling in his mind regarding his youngest brother, he smiled warily at Hoss and said,

'About time we got home. I never thought that a good honest day's work would make me so tired!'

Hoss smiled back at his older brother, a slight teasing to his tone. 'Yeah, well, too much sittin' at that ol' school. Gotta get ya back in shape!'

Adam actually chucked as he and Hoss rode together into the barns. Regardless of all the tension, it was still good to be home.

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Dinner was again a quiet affair. Ben looked at his sons and smiled. Hoss and Adam looked like they were about to fall asleep in their dinner plates. His eyes light up with pride as he thought on the hard work they were doing. His eyes then shifted to his youngest; Joe was eating quietly, his eyes on his plate. Ben again became a little wistful, missing the irrepressible chatter that had once bubbled from his youngest son. He sighed as his thoughts turned to what he was about to announce, and decided he might as well get it over with.

'I will be leaving tomorrow to spend a few days in Silver City,' Ben announced to his sons rather abruptly. He waited for three pairs of eyes to meet his gaze before he continued. 'There is a meeting of the Cattleman's Association, and with the sale coming up in Virginia City in the next few weeks, I think it would be beneficial for me to attend.'

Ben decided to give his sons a moment for his announcement to sink in before he continued. In all honesty, he didn't really want to go. Adam had only just returned a week before, and Ben could see that there was tension between his oldest and youngest sons. But common sense overran his heart in the matter. He needed to be a presence at the meeting to ensure that his interests in the sale would be well. Sometimes owning a successful ranch meant putting business first, but he sure did hate it.

'I will be gone maybe three days at the most,' he continued. 'Adam, I want you and Hoss to finish the fence in the south pasture. The hands can handle the western slopes and can finish gathering the strays. I also want you to go up to the lumber camp and make sure that they are keeping to the schedule. We need to get that timber cut.' He smiled at his older sons as they nodded their heads in agreement.

Ben turned his eyes to his youngest. 'Joseph,' he said warmly, 'I want you to mind your brother.' Joe, too, nodded his head in agreement.

Ben felt his mood darken slightly as he thought about the reaction his next words were going to cause. He knew his youngest was going to be unhappy, but that couldn't be helped. His youngest son had always been emotional, his spirit so similar to that of his mother, Ben's wife Marie. His son was a tangible reminder of her: her love for life, her irrepressible excitement about everything. The similarities he saw between his son and Marie had helped him make it through the time of her death.

Ben felt himself shiver involuntarily as the memory of Marie's accident flashed through his mind. But Joe was too much like her in some ways, and the way he liked to ride his horse into the yard was one of those ways. He had caught the boy, just yesterday, tearing into the yard on his way home from school.

And, to his concern, he had recently found out that his youngest had taken to hanging around where the hands were breaking the new horses. Joe had always been incredibly curious when it came to horses, begging for his own practically as soon as he could walk. It didn't escape Ben's attention that Joe liked to push the limits when it came to riding, and the 'what-ifs' that crept into his mind scared him a little.

His fatherly instinct to protect his youngest from himself overrode the desire to keep the peace in this matter. He returned his gaze to his oldest and said, 'Oh, and Adam, I want you to make sure that Joe gets to school safely each day.'

Adam went to nod in agreement, but the look he caught in the corner of his eye from his youngest brother caused his to freeze his actions. Ben turned around again to look evenly at his youngest.

Joe's head bolted up, his green eyes blazing at his father. 'Aw, Pa,' he muttered. His mind was reeling with indignation. _Take me to school! Just like a little kid!_

Ben caught the gaze in his son's eyes and frowned. 'Joseph, you will mind me on this.'

His tone left no room for discussion, and Joe quickly dropped his eyes down in reluctant agreement. He knew there was no way his father was going to change his mind. His mind remembered the stern, disapproving gaze his father had given him yesterday when he had returned from school. Realizing, now, that this incident probably had something to do with his current situation, he sighed. Sullenly, he went back to eating, even though he couldn't even taste it now and it kept getting stuck in his throat.

Adam watched his brother with a mixture of hope and uncertainty creeping into his mind. He wasn't sure about how he felt about his father being gone and his being in charge. He had done it before, but things were so different now. Strained, unfamiliar. He wasn't sure how all of this was going to turn out.

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It was a very early morning, before breakfast, when Ben set out. He lingered as he finished saddling his horse, reluctant to leave his sons behind. His eyes smiled warmly at his oldest and middle sons, but when his eyes met his youngest he lost a bit of the smile.

Joe was standing forlornly on the steps to the house, his bright eyes sulking. The early hour, coupled with the fact that his father was leaving, did not leave the young man in the best of moods. Joe hated it when his father went away, even for a day, and this was going to be for several days. His indignation over last night's conversation was even forgotten at the thought of his father leaving. His first impulse was to rush to his father and cry in his arms, but his pride kept him from doing so. He was grown up now, and grownups didn't act that way.

Ben reached out and took Adam's hand in a firm shake. 'Goodbye, son,' he said warmly. 'I'm sure you will do an excellent job running the place.'

'Sure, Pa,' Adam agreed, the slight uncertain feeling coming back to his mind. 'Have a safe trip.'

'I will,' he replied, turning his attention to his middle son. 'Hoss, take care of yourself. I'm trusting you to have that fence done by the time I get back.'

'Sure thing, Pa,' Hoss smiled a toothy grin at his father. 'We'll get it done right quick, won't we, Adam?'

Adam mumbled his agreement, and Ben's eyes wandered to his youngest's face. He moved over to the steps and put his hand on the small boy's shoulder.

'Joe,' his voice trembling a bit as he looked into the big green eyes, 'I want you to promise that you'll do everything your brother asks you, and that you'll mind what I said.' Joe nodded his head quietly, and Ben continued. 'Make me proud.'

The words stirred Joe's heart, and he forgot his resolve to act like a grownup for just a second. In a moment of release, he reached his ten-year-old arms around his father's neck and buried his face in Ben's chest. Ben smiled as he returned the tight hug, a lump in his throat. This was the boy he had missed for so long. Reluctantly he pulled away from his youngest and looked him again in the eye.

'Goodbye, Joseph,' he said, his voice cracking just a little. Turning around, he noticed his other boys standing there, eyes slightly averted to give their pa and brother a little privacy. Clearing his throat, Ben placed his foot in the stirrup and swung up on his horse. Giving one last glance to his youngest, he kicked his feet into the horse's side and spurred him forward. He was quickly gone from the yard.

Joe stood gazing after his father's retreating figure, the same determination renewed, crossing his features. He would make his father proud. He would show them all how grown up he was. Today.

Adam stared a bit apprehensively at his youngest brother before turning his attention towards the necessary chores before breakfast. He had noticed the look of determination crossing his brother's face, and he found himself almost slightly worried at the prospect.

'What are we in for?' he inwardly groaned as he turned to go into the barn.

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Hoss and Adam walked back into the house, after the morning chores were finished, to grab a quick bite of breakfast before heading to the south pasture to work on the fence. Sitting down at the table, Adam was a bit surprised that his youngest brother was not already there. He raised his eyebrow in a questioning look at Hoss, who just shrugged his shoulders in response.

'Hop Sing,' Adam asked as the small man brought a plate of pancakes from the kitchen, 'where's Joe? He needs to eat before he can leave for school!'

'Little boy already eat,' Hop Sing replied, setting the plate down in front of Hoss, who stabbed several of the cakes and put them on his plate. 'Already go outside to get horse.'

'Humph,' Adam sighed grumpily, standing from the table. 'He knows he is supposed to wait for me.'

He shot an annoyed look at Hoss, who again just shrugged his shoulders as he dug into his pancakes. Adam's brow furrowed into a frown as he stomped out the front door to find his brother. Muttering under his breath, he lifted his head in a search for his brother. What he saw caused his eyes to grow wide in absolute fear.

He ran to the corral, his heart in his throat. He wanted to yell, but knew the damage it could do. He saw his brother swinging up into the saddle, obviously unaware of the approaching presence of his older brother. But it wasn't Joe Adam was watching, it was the large, newly-broken horse his brother was attempting to ride that had caught his attention. A large, powerful animal with a wild look in its eyes. An animal that could kill.

There were always horses being broken on the Ponderosa; Adam himself had broken horses before he had left for school. How Joe had gotten to one of them without anyone noticing Adam could only guess at, but he knew he had to stop him. He ran as fast as he could and caught the reins just as Joe swung the animal around to the corral's gate.

'Whoa,' he whispered as the animal reared and tried to break free from his grasp. With a sweeping motion, Adam grabbed his brother from the saddle as the animal broke free and ran thundering to the other side of the corral.

Adam held his brother firmly by the arm as he tried to control his ragged breathing. The fear dissipating, replaced by a steely anger, he continued to grasp the now wriggling arm as his brother tried to break free.

'Let me go,' Joe demanded angrily, his eyes blazing with fire as he continued to try to shake himself free from his brother's grasp. 'Let me go!'

'What were you doing?' Adam hissed, staring angrily at the small figure before him. The fear he had felt only moments ago was replaced with rage as he thought of all the things that could have happened.

'What were you thinking?' he yelled, shaking the arm he still held tightly in his grasp. He could hear Hoss running up behind them as he continued to shake the boy in front of him.

'Adam, Joe, what…?' Hoss's question died on his lips as he saw the two angry figures in front of him. Snapping to, he grabbed Adam's arms and pulled him away from Joe. He tried to make sense of the scene in front of him as his two brothers glared at each other with fire in their eyes.

Suddenly, Hoss noticed his younger brother's eyes fill with angry tears, and the small boy turned around and ran towards the barn. Hoss looked up at his older brother and saw something he had never seen before. It scared him a bit, the rage clouding his brother's bright eyes.

'Adam, what happened?'

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks everyone who is still following this! Sorry this chapter took a while to post; it kept going and going so it is quite a bit longer than the others. I couldn't find a good breaking place, so on it went.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the main characters, just the supporting cast and the emotions (which are revving up big time).**

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'Adam, what happened?'

Hoss stared at his brother in shocked amazement as he demanded an answer. He had never seen that type of anger on his brother's face before; it was frightening. Adam stared into the distance, his thoughts miles away, his fingers flexing as to release some of his pent up tension.

Finally, without acknowledging his brother's question, Adam just turned around in a stony silence and walked toward the house. Hoss, momentarily at a loss for words, stood in the empty yard, his mouth hanging open. It wasn't too hard for him to figure out what had happened, based on what he had seen running out of the house, and he sighed heavily. Regaining his senses, he made his way to the barn to check on his little brother.

He found Joe sitting on a hay bale, his back to the wall. Hoss could tell that his brother was trying to control himself; Joe was gasping in quick breaths and trying to stop the tears from falling. Hoss gave him a minute, then, once seeing that Joe had regained some of his composure, asked him softly,

'Shortshanks? What happened out there? You 'kay?'

Joe spun around, the anger still burning bright in his eyes. The situation he found himself in yet again made him furious. Why did everyone always have to treat him like a little kid! Especially Adam.

He was angry at Adam for pulling him off that horse. He could ride that horse; he had been waiting for just the right opportunity to prove it, too. But Adam had ruined it. Another opportunity missed. A cold, sick feeling grew in his stomach as he thought about his oldest brother. Since Adam had come home, nothing had gone right. Every attempt had been met with failure. And failure made Joe angrier than anything.

But as he looked at his older brother's pale eyes, wide with concern, his anger melted away a little. Hoss wasn't angry; although Joe wasn't sure if it was because he didn't often get angry or he didn't know what had happened. Joe wondered, almost a little guiltily, if Hoss would be angry when he found out what he had done. They all felt such a need to protect him from everything that he, like Adam, would probably be furious when he found out what had happened.

Still, Joe knew that the only way he was going to be able to get another opportunity to prove himself was to be a little more diplomatic in his approach. He would bide his time. Deciding anger and shouting wasn't going to help him at this particular moment, he turned away from his brother and said quietly,

'Aw, I just wanted to ride that horse Charlie broke last week. Adam got all mad about it.'

He tried to make light of the situation, but the anger he still felt caused his voice to tremble a little. He steadied his emotions as he waited for his brother's response.

Hoss felt the air leave his lungs as he shuddered at the image his brother's admission brought to his mind. He had been fairly certain, from what he had witnessed, that the problem was something like this, but to hear it actually in words shook him. He fought to remain in control as the images of what could have happened to his little brother flashed through his mind.

'Joe!' Hoss gasped, a bit harshly, turning his brother to face him. 'Ya know better than that! That horse is still dangerous! Why, ya coulda got hurt!'

'I'm not a little kid anymore,' Joe pushed away, a bit of the anger returning and coloring his voice. 'I wish everyone would stop treating me like I can't do nothin'!'

Hoss took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. He knew, as much as he wanted to shake some common sense into the boy in front of him, what he really needed to do instead was to calm his brother down. Joe was not in the right frame of mind to see how foolish his actions had been, nor how dangerous. Hoss understood why Adam had acted as he did. '_Heck, I probably would have done the same thing!_' he shuddered.

'Joe,' he said, trying to keep his voice calm, 'I know ya ain't a little kid anymore. But even Pa ain't rode that horse yet…he's still not all broke. Can ya wait just a little longer to prove ya can ride him? I'll even go with ya when the time comes.'

Joe looked at his brother's pleading face and his own features softened. He was relieved that his brother wasn't going to yell at him. He couldn't be mad at Hoss, but inside he was still furious at Adam. 'I'll show him,' he vowed silently, forcing a small smile to his face.

'Yeah, you're right Hoss,' he said smoothly, his brother's face relaxing at the words.

'Good,' Hoss smiled weakly at his brother. 'Now, you git on to school, or ya'll be late.'

Hoss watched as his brother nodded his head and saddled his own horse. He wasn't satisfied that Joe had even heard what he had just said, and he was sure there was going to be more trouble before the whole thing was over. But at least for the moment the situation had deescalated and his brother had calmed down.

He watched until Joe rode out of the yard, making sure he made it safely, and then he made his way back to the house to finish his breakfast. He knew he needed to talk to Adam about what had happened. He shuddered again as he remembered the look in Adam's eyes. He needed to talk to him. Today.

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Adam turned away from the corral, back towards the house, the anger raging in his head so loud that he didn't even hear Hoss's question. The images and thoughts of what could have happened swirled faster and faster through his mind, shutting down his ability to think rationally.

'How could Joe be so stupid?' he raged to himself. 'What is going on?'

Sure, his brother had always been a bit reckless, but this had gone beyond that. This time something could have happened. The cold fear welled up again in his stomach as he thought about what could have happened to his brother. He could have been hurt, killed even. The images clouded his judgment, making his anger boil over again. He was angry; so angry, he was shaking. He sat down at the table and put his head down in his trembling hands, forcing the breath out in ragged gasps, trying to regain control. It surprised, even scared him a little, the rage he felt. He had never felt this way before.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, his head in his hands, when he heard footsteps behind him. Looking up, he saw Hoss looking down at him with pale eyes awash in concern. Reflex caused his jaw to clench and he turned his eyes away from the gaze abruptly.

Hoss sighed and sat down. He knew he needed to talk to his brother, but he wasn't sure where to begin. Taking a bite of his now-cold pancake, he wrestled with the thoughts in his head. Finally, quietly, he asked again,

'Adam? What happened out there?'

Adam sighed and put his head back in his hands. He suddenly felt tired and very old, thoughts that at a different moment might have caused him amusement. After what seemed a long time, but was only in reality a few minutes, he looked up again at his brother.

He could see it on his brother's face. Adam realized then that his brother knew indeed what had happened, that the question had a different meaning. He was asking about him, not about Joe. Swallowing, trying to understand himself what he was feeling, he took the easy way out and he finally mumbled,

'Fool kid almost got himself killed. I stopped him from doing it.'

Adam took a deep breath after stuttering out the words. To think them had been terrifying enough, but to actually say them aloud was worse. The pictures came back to his mind, stronger than ever.

'Yup,' Hoss acknowledged, surprising Adam with his quick agreement. But then he looked at his brother intently. 'Then what happened?'

Adam looked back down at his hands, the trembling returning as another wave of rage gripped him. The question, he realized, that had been in the back of his own mind. A question that, it appeared, Hoss just had to know the answer to; his brother wasn't going to let him off easily. A question he didn't want to answer.

'Lay off, Hoss!' he growled angrily, trying to push the feeling away. What was the answer to that question, what was the feeling he was trying to push away? Was it guilt? He quickly dismissed the thought. It couldn't be. He had nothing to feel guilty about, did he? He wasn't the one who had done anything wrong. It just couldn't be.

'No, I will not lay off, Adam!' Adam started at the quiet, controlled anger in his brother's voice. Hoss was not one to get angry often, but when he did, people took notice. 'Now, I want ya to listen to me on this.'

'All right, all right,' Adam snapped, waiting to hear the lecture he figured his brother was about to deliver. _I really don't need this right now_, his mind argued as he impatiently said aloud, 'Well?'

'Goldangit, Adam!' Hoss sputtered, his own eyes angry. 'I know ya was scared about what happened with Joe. I probably woulda done same as you. I ain't blamin' ya. But ya need to know a few things about what's been goin' on.'

'I already know what's going on!' Adam shouted angrily, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. 'I came back, and Joe doesn't need me anymore!'

'What?' This wasn't really what he had expected to hear. Hoss's amazement at his brother's outburst snapped the anger from his pale eyes. 'What did ya say?'

'You heard me!' Adam looked away, anger and sadness both pulling at him. 'He doesn't need me, doesn't want me here. It's pretty obvious. He can't even stand to be in the same room as me!' His voice was small, pitiful, lonely.

Hoss was taken aback. He knew they had reached the heart of the matter, but he wasn't quite sure how to proceed. Adam looked so vulnerable, broken, that he could hardly bear it. His suspicions on the situation had been correct, but now what?

'Adam, Adam,' he pleaded, trying to look his brother in the eye. 'Ya don't know how wrong ya are.'

Adam snapped his head back around in retort, the anger returning, but Hoss wouldn't let him say anything. He continued,

'Little Joe has been so excited for ya to come home. It was all he's been talkin' about for weeks. He's been waitin' and waitin', he was so afraid…'

'Afraid?' Adam interrupted, his anger dissipating a little. 'What was he afraid of?"

'Well, it hurt him for a long time after ya left. He cried and cried, and had nightmares for weeks,' Hoss explained, continuing quickly as he saw a flash of guilt cross his brother's face. That wouldn't help, not now. 'He was so sure that you'd never come back, that you'd left him forever.'

Adam drew in a sharp breath as his mind went back to that day, the day he had left on the stage. His brother had clung to him, crying and begging for him not to leave. He had had to pry himself out of Joe's grasp when it had been time to go. Guilt washed over him as again he remembered the abandoned look on his littlest brother's face. His rage evaporated quickly as he remembered the distraught eyes pleading for him to stay.

'But I always told him I'd be back,' he whispered, the lump in his throat returning.

Hoss saw the stricken look on his brother's face and hastily continued. 'Yeah, but he was just a little thing back then,' he soothed. 'He was just afraid, 'specially after Ma died, when he lost her. He thought he was losin' you too.'

Adam shook his head as he remembered, his eyes becoming misty. Another wave of guilt overtook him as he thought back. _How could I have forgotten what the poor little guy went through?_

'I talked to him lots about it, and finally the nightmares stopped,' Hoss kept going. 'I told him ya were coming back, but it's been such a long time you've been gone, almost half his whole life. He thought ya'd find something, somewhere else ya liked better. That's when he told me he wanted ya to be proud of him, so that ya'd come back.'

_But he never had to prove anything to me_, Adam thought to himself. Out loud, shakily, he said to Hoss, 'But he has changed a lot.'

'Yeah,' Hoss agreed sadly, 'that was the day he told us no more babyin' him, that he was all growed up. I guess he figured if he was all grown up, ya'd be proud of him and would come back. And he's been actin' that way, too… mostly,' he added, almost as an afterthought.

Seeing the look on his brother's face, Hoss reassured, 'Ah, Adam. All he's talked about for the last two months is how he can't wait to see ya. He's proud, Adam, proud of you. I know he is. I know he ain't been goin' around the best way showin' it, but he is. Can ya, Adam?'

'Can I what?' Adam asked, a bit puzzled at his brother's question.

'Can ya try to understand Joe?' Hoss asked. 'I mean, can ya be patient with him? I know he shouldn't a done what he did, I'm not sayin' ya ain't got the right to be mad at him. I mean, I wanted to shake some sense into him myself,' he looked again, pleading, into his brother's eyes. 'But can ya, Adam?'

'I'll try,' Adam smiled warily at his brother, his mind still reeling from the revelations Hoss had made to him. Still, he knew it wasn't going to be easy. His brother was hard-headed, stubborn, and quick to anger. 'But you know it's going to be harder than it looks.'

Hoss grunted in agreement as he finished the last of his pancakes. Gulping down a long swallow of milk, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and said ruefully, 'Good. I'm tired of all your fightin'! Can almost ruin a man's appetite!'

Adam smiled in spite of himself, and rewarded his brother with a slap on the back. He jokingly replied, 'Sure doesn't look like it's ruined your appetite quite yet.'

He grinned as his brother gave him a mock glare in response. As the two stood up from the table to begin the day's tasks, Adam let his mind wander. He was still angry at what had happened. But he was determined to work it out. Things would be alright again, he promised himself that.

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Adam's temper was raging, an emotion that he noticed all too frequently lately, as he rode into the yard. It had been a day for the ages. Riding into the barn, he jumped down from his horse and slammed the barn door with his fist. It felt good to hit something.

The day had started out all wrong. After Hoss's explanation the previous morning, he had spent a lot of time thinking about what his brother had said. While he was still angry with his brother's foolish actions, he had vowed to try to work out the situation.

He had planned on talking to Joe during supper that night. But, in an attempt to finish the work in the pasture before dark, they had returned too late. Joe had already been asleep when they came in, and Adam reluctantly decided against waking him. Adam remembered with a rueful smile that, ever since he had been a baby, Joe had never reacted well when someone woke him from his sleep. While the rest of his life appeared to be unpredictable and out of control lately, at least there were a few constants. And that was one of them.

Talking with Hoss before they turned in for the night, Adam had decided that he needed to leave to go up to the lumber camp before sunrise. It was the only way for him to get there and back in one day. It would be a very long day, but it would be worth it to not have to camp out overnight. The decision made him come to the disheartening realization that he would not be able to talk to Joe in the morning, either. Securing Hoss's promise to make sure Joe left for school safely, he had gone wearily to bed. His head had just barely hit his pillow before he had fallen into a deep, exhausted sleep.

He didn't really want to go, but Adam knew he had to get up to the lumber camp to speak to Clyde Jenkins, the camp manager. His father had expressed the need for Adam to do this, and Adam was one to take his responsibilities very seriously. Ben had confided to his son that he wasn't entirely sure of Jenkins' ability to handle the technical aspects of the project. He was hoping that Adam, just back from school and with knowledge of the latest technical advances, might be able to make some suggestions to hasten the process along.

Adam awoke before sunrise and was out on the trail before the first rays were peaking over the horizon. Adam had always liked the early morning; it was peaceful and gave him time to think. He watched the sun rising over the mountains and wished he could feel the peace that the scene seemed to convey. He didn't feel very peaceful these days.

His constant anger and loneliness at the way things had transpired between him and his brother seemed to drive any peaceful thoughts away from him. Talking with Hoss, while helpful in making him aware a little more of what was actually going on, did little to relieve the sadness and hurt. He was glad his father was expected to be back soon. He really needed to talk to him about the whole situation. Bearing any delay, Ben would be back by tomorrow afternoon.

The ride to the camp had been uneventful; he reached the base of the camp just before noon. A slight feeling of apprehension twisted in his stomach as he rode into the camp. He had only met Jenkins one time before, just a quick introduction when Jenkins had made his way down to the house to speak with Ben about hiring some more men. Adam hadn't been overly impressed with the man, but had resolved to give him another chance.

Adam stopped in front of the small shack that was serving as the camp headquarters. He dismounted from his horse and quickly twisted the reins around the rail of the porch. Stepping onto the porch, reaching for the door knob, the wind was almost knocked out of him as a large man suddenly barreled out of the door.

Jenkins pushed through the door, barely aware of the presence of the younger man in front of him. Taking a minute to look in the man's direction, his already angry and surly face registered a look of disdain as he recognized the face in front of him.

Clyde Jenkins was not a patient man. He had always worked and talked tough, and didn't have much use for anyone else or their opinions. He certainly had no use for the young man in front of him. It had grated him immensely when Ben Cartwright had told him that he was sending his son out to see how things were going. To Clyde Jenkins, Adam Cartwright was no more than a spoiled, self-righteous, know-it-all college kid; a kid that had no business being in charge of anything, let alone _his_ lumber camp. He sneered mockingly as he watched the young man's face pinch in sudden discomfort as he recognized the disdain in the camp boss's eyes.

The feeling of apprehension grew as Adam looked around him, squirming awkwardly at the hard stare from the hostile eyes. The apprehension was quickly replaced, however, with a feeling of annoyance at how this man's look had made him feel.

Taking a deep breath, he said, curtly, 'Mr. Jenkins, a word with you?'

Jenkins growled and looked at the young man in front of him. He was slightly taken aback by the look in his eyes—no longer discomfort, more like defiance. It annoyed Jenkins even further.

'What can I do for you, _Mr._ Cartwright?' he asked sourly, enunciating the mister disdainfully. He rolled his eyes as he watched the color rise in the young man's cheeks.

Adam flushed red as the anger started to course through him. Keeping his voice controlled, he said icily,

'There are some things I need to discuss with you, _Mr_. Jenkins. In regards to the operations of this lumber camp. I believe my father informed you that I was coming.'

The older man stared unblinkingly, hatred flashing in his eyes. He would not be spoken to by some know-it-all spoiled brat playing boss. Who did this kid think he was, anyway?

Suddenly, Jenkins laughed aloud. A short humorless laugh, more like a strangled growl, escaped from the man's throat. Turning away from the young man in front of him, he sputtered hatefully,

'Sorry, kid. I don't talk business to anybody but real men. Tell your pa if he wants to talk business, he can come up here and talk to me himself.'

Jenkins made it down the two steps of the porch, feeling smug at his handling of the kid, when a sound stopped him. It was low, but the tone stopped him cold in his tracks.

'No, you are mistaken,' Adam's voice was cold and resolved. 'My father sent me up here to discuss the operations of the camp with you. And,' he added bitingly, 'seeing that _I_ own this camp, and am, therefore, your boss, I suggest that you talk to me immediately.'

Jenkins whirled around to face the young Cartwright, fury causing his hands to shake. He rushed back up the stairs and pushed himself into Adam's face. 'What did you say?' he squeaked, his voice rising in hatred.

Adam's gaze remained cool and hard as he stared unblinkingly into the camp boss's face. Unfazed by the fury of the man in front of him, he again stated firmly, coolly,

'You heard me. Since _I_ own this camp, and therefore, _I_ am your boss, I suggest you speak with me immediately.'

Adam expected the man's reaction and he was prepared when Jenkins' swinging fist came hurtling towards him. The angry camp boss swung blindly at him, missing him by a mile, and Adam responded with a firm punch that landed firmly in the man's gut. The older man winced in pain and tried to take another swing, missing again, to which Adam responded with another shot that connected with his left eye. The man stumbled and fell down the steps, landing in a heap in the dirt. Hearing the commotion, several other men came running to the scene.

'You're done here,' Adam growled at Jenkins, the stunned men gathering around the camp boss. 'Get your gear and get out of here. You've got ten minutes.'

'Just who do you think you are?' Jenkins raged, struggling to stand up and face the young man again. 'You won't get away with this!'

'Oh, but I already have,' Adam retorted darkly, his eyes glowering at the older man. 'Now go.' He turned on his heel and went into the shack, slamming the door shut behind him.

Once behind the closed door, his resolve quickly melted and he sank, knees trembling, to the floor. He could hear the angry yelling of the former camp boss as he cursed at anyone who would listen. He was suddenly afraid—he was all alone, and there were a lot of men out there. Men he wasn't sure would stand behind him.

The yelling gradually died away as the men moved away from the building. Adam continued to sit, trying to regain his composure, when a knock sounded at the door. Wary of what could happen, he cautiously opened the door a crack and looked at the flushed face in front of him.

'Name's Jordan, sir,' the man said sharply. 'I don't know what that was all about, but ya sure got some nerve, standin' up to Jenkins like that.' He let out a sneering laugh and continued. 'He ain't been nothin' but trouble, so I can assure ya, nobody will be sad to see 'im go.'

Adam felt a small sense of relief as he realized that he was not going to have to fight anyone else.

'But ya should know, there ain't nobody else up here who can take charge of this project. Jenkins was the only one who knew anything at ll, not that it was that much. Ya got someone who can take over?' The man's face was doubtful as he stared at the young man.

The look on the man's face caused Adam to suddenly doubt what he had just done. Realization that he had just severely hindered the operations of the camp flooded his mind. The anger he had been feeling disappeared completely as a wave of anxiety and guilt over his actions surged through his being. His father was not going to be happy about this.

Trying to remain composed, he took a deep breath and stuttered, 'I'll speak to my father about it. I'm sure we'll have someone here within a few days. Can the men carry on until then?' He held his breath anxiously, afraid of the response he might get.

The man in front of him looked at him skeptically. He rubbed his hand over his balding head and nodded slowly. 'Sure, I guess we can make out for a few days. Just tell your pa that we need him to make a decision fast. I don't know how long I can keep 'em in line.'

He gave Adam another hard stare before he turned around and walked away, shaking his head as he went.

Adam turned dazedly to the railing where he had secured his horse's reins, untying them and slowly swinging himself up into his saddle. He had a sudden urge to get out of there, and fast. As he quickly rode away, his eyes caught sight of a few men staring at him, shaking their heads and muttering.

After he had ridden clear of the camp, he pulled his horse to a stop and took a deep breath. His stomach knotted, he tried to swallow the guilt and doubt raging inside of him. All he could see was how his father was going to be angry at him for what had happened. He had just single-handedly derailed the project, maybe for months. He had failed his father.

The thought of the disappointment in his father's eyes when he told him what had happened made him almost beside himself with despair. A new thought entered his mind, and Adam felt the tears threaten his eyes as he grew angry yet again.

_Why did I think it could be like it once was? Why did I even come back here?_

By the time he made it back to the house, the irrational thoughts on why he had even bothered to come back home had completely taken over. After punching the barn door in a rage, he quickly went towards the house. As he pushed through the front door, his eyes caught a sight that caused something to snap inside of him.

He rushed forward in a surging rage, blinded to anything but the young figure in front of him. The past week's worth of pent up emotions and hurt came pouring out in one frightening outburst. Oblivious to anything but his overwhelming rage, his furious scream shook the tranquil house.

'WHAT DID YOU DO?!'

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Joe was still angry at his brother when he returned home from school the next afternoon. He had successfully avoided Adam the previous night, feigning sleep when his two older brothers had returned late from their work in the pasture. He had known that they wouldn't wake him; his reputation for behavior when woken from a deep sleep preceded him, after all.

He had been a little nervous about breakfast, but to his relief it had only been Hoss at the table when he came down the stairs. Hoss had informed him, a little coolly, that Adam had gone to the lumber camp on business. Joe figured out that Hoss probably was still a little sore at him for what had happened the previous day. Hoss had then, much to Joe's chagrin, proceeded to watch him carefully as he left for school, making sure he didn't do anything. Joe again rolled his eyes in disgust at what he saw as continued baby treatment.

Returning home, making sure that he rode in carefully just in case someone was watching, Joe breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that no one was back yet. He quickly stabled his horse and ran into the house, hoping to make it to his room before anyone came in. He knew he was just pushing off the inevitable, and he groaned in frustration as he tried desperately to figure out a way he could avoid dinner that night. If he could just hold off for one more day, his pa would be back. Maybe he could just ignore his brother until then.

Two days of solitude had done little to lessen Joe's anger at his older brother. It still riled him that he was treated like a baby. All of his attempts at proving himself had resulted in failure. He bristled in annoyance yet again as he remembered his brother's angry face in the corral.

Joe looked up suddenly as he ran through the living room, and his bright green eyes caught sight of something. In spite of his intentions of getting upstairs before someone came through the door, he skidded to a stop in front of the fireplace. His eyes clouded as he looked at the handmade picture frame gracing the wall.

Something in his stomach twisted as he gazed at the beautiful frame, the embossed paper almost mocking him from its position of superiority on the wall. He wasn't sure what caused the sudden desire to touch it, and he was up on the table before he even realized what he was doing.

Standing on tiptoe, pushing his body forward and leaning on his hands, he gingerly moved the frame from its place on the wall. He only meant to hold it for just a second. The frame was heavier than he expected, and he felt his grip slipping. A sudden surge of panic kicked in as he lost his balance and began to topple backwards. Throwing up his arms in a desperate attempt to keep from falling, the hold he held on the frame was lost. He managed to get his hands back against the wall to correct his balance, his head just barely missing hitting one of the large rocks in the fireplace.

His heart caught in his throat as he heard the telltale sound of breaking glass. Looking down in horror, he realized that the frame had splintered, glass shattering, as it had fallen and hit the hearth. Leaping down quickly, he managed to save the ruined frame and piece of paper just before the hot coals in the fireplace could catch on and do their work.

So intent was he on saving the damaged frame, Joe didn't hear the front door open or quickly slam shut. He didn't hear the angry gasp of breath behind him. He didn't hear anything until a hand grabbed him roughly, jerking him around. His green eyes widened as his brother's enraged scream echoed in his head,

'WHAT DID YOU DO?!'

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He kept shaking him harder and harder, not seeing or hearing anything around him. He didn't see the anger and fear in the wide green eyes, he didn't hear the front door slam as Hoss came in, he didn't feel Hoss's hand on his shoulder, trying to make him stop. He didn't feel anything but the rage that was coursing through his body.

'Adam, stop!' Hoss screamed as he grabbed his brother's shoulders, trying to pull him away from his terrified little brother.

Adam resisted his brother's grasp, instead pushing Hoss out of the way. He loosened his grasp on his little brother and shoved him roughly back, Joe stumbling backwards into a chair. Adam turned towards Hoss, the murderous look on his face causing the young man to step back in shock.

'I hate you!' an angry voice screamed from the other end of the room. Hoss turned shocked eyes to see his little brother standing in front of Adam, his face purple with rage. The green eyes, wide with fear only moments before, were now blazing with hatred.

'I hate you!' he screamed again, his angry eyes filling with tears. 'I wish you had never come back!'

Hoss gasped, his heart hammering thunderously in his chest. His eyes took in the broken picture frame, his mind trying to seek an explanation to what was going on. He looked wildly at both of his brothers, trying desperately to think of something, anything, to say.

Adam stared hard at the small boy in front of him, his eyes black with disgust and rage. Every hurt and disappointment he had felt in the last week poured out in one instant. In a cool, low voice, a voice that caused Hoss's heart to drop in horror, he growled savagely at the boy in front of him.

'You are impossible. I cannot believe I spent so much time caring about what happened to you. Do you hear me? I don't care about you. And, yes, I wish I had never come back here either.'

Adam turned and headed toward the stairs, ignoring the shocked gasp behind him. He heard movement behind him, but he threw up his hand and kept walking. He just didn't care anymore. It would have been better if he'd never come back.

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**I know, I know, I hope I wasn't too mean. I would love to hear what you think, it makes my day! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I want to thank everyone who has left comments-you guys are great and have given me lots to think about! The different perspectives are just wonderful. I'm glad that you have enjoyed so far.**

**That being said, I need to warn you that this is and was an incredibly hard chapter. Angst and more angst. **

**I would love it if you would let me know what you think (although I'm slightly scared you might hate me when you finish)-reviews make my day!**

**So, here goes. You've been warned (and please don't hate me).**

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Adam opened his eyes, rubbing them absently as he stared at the ceiling. He hadn't been able to sleep anyway. The thoughts kept tumbling through his mind, too many and too angry for sleep to come. He shook his head ruefully as a new thought crept into his weary conscious. Funny, regardless of the waves of fury that had kept him clenching his fists so tight that he now had marks in his palms, he also was feeling an almost curious sense of apathy at the whole situation. If he hadn't been so tired, it might have almost brought a faint smile to his lips, the idea that he didn't even care.

The first time he'd said it, it had been on reflex; a sudden burst brought about by his emotions running wild, but the long sleepless night had solidified the idea in his tired mind. He just didn't care anymore. He suddenly thought about how easy it could make his life, if he just didn't care. All of the hurts from the past week had made him so tired; he just didn't want to think about them anymore. Caring, just thinking, was too tiring. There was just something about the idea of this callous indifference, something about the idea of a wall that he could build around his heart to keep the emotions at bay, that brought an almost peaceful feeling to him.

He had been a fool to think that he could just walk back into his old life after four years away. All the time he had wasted, worrying about and hoping that he could just find everything the same. His memories were just that; memories of a different life and a different time. He had always been the practical, cool-headed, calm, collected older brother; always had been the one to protect and to comfort.

But when he had come home, looking for just a little bit of what he himself had always freely given, he had been pushed away. He'd lost the control that he'd always had, he'd become too emotional. He had let his emotions betray him, and they had made a fool out of him. And Adam was angry at himself for being a fool. He tried to push the anger back down with the calming thoughts of how he just didn't care anymore.

His attention turned to his current situation. It had been a mistake to return back to the Ponderosa. Before he had left Boston, his grandfather had even hinted at something similar. There was so much he could do, could be, in Boston. Adam could still hear his grandfather's words on the subject, _'Why would you want to go all the way back out there to that God-forsaken country? There are so many opportunities here. Stay.'_

At the time, Adam had been too busy with his naïve thoughts that things could go back to the way they had once been to even consider what his grandfather had been saying. His emotions had caused him to completely disregard the common sense that had always permeated his being. The words rang clear in his head now and he was ready for an immediate resolution. He was going to tell his father when he got home. He was going to go back to Boston, and he wanted to go immediately. It would be better for all of them that way.

He got up from his bed and went over to the wash stand, pouring some water out of the pitcher. He splashed the water on his face, vainly attempting to scour the sandy feeling from his eyes. He looked at himself in the mirror and scowled. The puffy dark circles and bloodshot eyes made him look miserable, almost as miserable as he felt. Shaking his head at the reflection in the mirror, he quickly dressed and skulked his way down the stairs.

He sat down at the table with a scowl and a thud, turning a blind eye to Hoss's icy stare in his direction. He wasn't in any mood to deal with either one of his brothers, so he decided the best course of action was to try and act oblivious to his brother's cold demeanor. He felt a small twinge of satisfaction when Hoss, after only a moment, sighed loudly and turned his attention back to his breakfast.

They ate in silence, Adam continuing to ignore the glances occasionally thrown in his direction from a dour-looking Hoss. He knew his brother was angry at him for the outburst last night, but again, he just didn't care. He justified himself, easily, with the simple reasoning that it wasn't as if his brother hadn't had it coming to him. Joe had been impossible to deal with ever since he had come home. Adam clenched his teeth again as he thought of the memory of last night. His brother had had it coming to him, and no, he wasn't sorry.

Suddenly Adam noticed Hoss take in a deep breath and turn to him. Hoss gave Adam a hard stare that made him cringe and he suddenly felt as if his younger brother was almost reading his mind. Adam tried to avoid the pale eyes and dropped his head back down but the heaviness of the stare crushed down on him. After a minute, his cheeks flushing slightly at the discomfort, he lifted his eyes and coldly stared back at his brother's pained gaze. Hoss just shook his head slightly and whispered,

'He told me he didn't mean it… but what ya said…I couldn't get him to stop cryin' all night. Don't ya even care?'

Adam stared back coolly, evenly, at the sad expression in the pale eyes. There had been a time, not even that long ago, that the sadness in the expressive eyes would have made Adam's heart melt. He would have relented immediately at the very idea of his little brother being in tears all night; it would have caused his own heart to break. But something was different now. The haunted look did nothing to break the apathy that had surrounded his heart. The monotone whisper that came from his throat matched the cold expression in his own eyes.

'No.'

Adam could see the sadness in his brother's pale eyes fade quickly, replaced with a steely anger. The change in his brother's demeanor did little to change the indifference covering Adam's features, and he continued to stare coldly at his brother. Hoss's face turned bright red as he coughed and sputtered. Turning away from Adam's hard stare, he shook his head and said sadly,

'What happened to ya, Adam?'

Something in the accusatory remark caused a small crack to form in the wall of stoic indifference he had built, and Adam's eyes flicked in a sudden wave of anger. Adam scowled at his brother as the words came venomously from his lips, tumbling out before he could control them.

'I just became more realistic, little brother. No, like I said last night, I don't care. I spent too much time caring, and look what it got me. Absolutely nothing. My brother hates me. He told me so. He doesn't want me here, and I'm going to do something about it.'

Adam could see his brother's face flinch as the realization of what the words actually meant hit him. He could see Hoss trying to think of a retort, and, speaking abruptly, Adam seized the opportunity to finish his thoughts before his brother was able to stammer out a reply.

'So, no, I don't care. I don't care about him. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but that is the way it is.'

The room was silent as both brothers took in the impact of the spoken words. Adam watched as his brother opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again without saying a word. The anger left the pale eyes and was replaced by a sadness that Adam couldn't recognize. It unsettled him just a little bit, and a sudden small doubt at what he had just said tried to push its way into his resolve.

Adam watched his brother silently as Hoss shook his head and stood from the table. He slowly moved toward the front door and put his hat on his head. Adam averted his eyes and looked back down at his hands, trying to avoid seeing his brother's face. Hoss turned around and opened the front door, shaking his head at Adam again. As he stepped outside, Adam could just hear him slightly whisper. The slight mutter wasn't meant for his ears, but Adam could just make out the words.

'Golly, never would've thought I'd hear them kinda words from ya, Adam. I hope ya never have to regret sayin' em.'

The door slammed behind him, and Adam was left alone in the quiet house. The only sound he could hear in the still morning was the sound of his own breathing. The small doubt that had come to him when he had seen his brother's eyes change nagged in his mind. He tried his best to push it aside, to ignore it, but it came anyway, threatening his resolution to not care. With it came another thought, a thought from a long time ago. It was the picture of his little brother, looking up at him, his eyes full of absolute trust and love. The thought twisted in his heart, just a little.

But Adam pushed it back, and, in an instant, the image was gone, replaced again by the steely apathy that was dulling his senses. His resolve came back. No, he just didn't care anymore.

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Adam spent the day working near the house, doing his best to avoid Hoss and trying to prepare himself for the fight he knew he was sure to have with his father when he made the announcement that he wanted to go back to Boston. He knew that his father was going to be less than accepting of the announcement, so his mind struggled to try rationalizing some convincing arguments.

He hadn't been too successful in coming up with any that he thought his father might listen to, better yet believe, when he was surprised by the sound of a horse in the yard. He looked up and saw Hoss riding toward the barn. He lifted his gaze to the surrounding landscape and realized that the sun was already getting close to setting. The whole day had gone by while he had been lost in his thoughts.

'Adam,' Hoss acknowledged sullenly, not bothering to smile as his gaze passed quickly over his brother. Adam could tell by his brother's hunched shoulders and lack of direct eye contact that he was still pretty mad at him for the tirade that morning. He saw his brother wince slightly, almost as if he was thinking better of it, before he asked, 'Where's Joe?'

Adam bristled in sudden irritation. Just the mention of his youngest brother's name caused a shudder of annoyance to flood through his being. He looked around, exasperated, feeling his annoyance growing further into the familiar anger. He suddenly realized that he hadn't seen his brother all day. Joe should have been home hours ago. His brother knew to be home to tend to his chores. _Honestly, can't that child do anything he's supposed to?_

'Now, Adam,' Hoss began, and Adam could feel his brother looking at him tensely. Adam could tell now that Hoss was kicking himself for even asking about Joe and this gave Adam cause to be annoyed even further.

'No, Hoss!' he said forcefully, his eyes growing dark again. 'No excuses! He knows to get back here right after school. There are chores to do!'

'Maybe he got kept after,' Hoss offered feebly, seeing the angry look and trying in a vain attempt to calm his brother down a little. 'Ya know how Joe is. I'll just go git him…'

The feeble excuse only caused Adam to become even more irate. He had originally planned to stay away from his youngest brother, to ignore him as much as possible, but his thinking changed in that instant.

'No, I will go get the _child_,' Adam interrupted, his voice thick with anger. Suddenly he couldn't wait to get the small boy in his sights. If his brother had thought he had heard a few words from his older brother last night, he was in for a surprise now. They would pale in comparison to what he was going to say the minute he saw him.

'But Adam…'Hoss stuttered, seeing the rage cross his brother's features.

'No, Hoss!' Adam roared, shooting daggers at his brother with his eyes, daring him to argue. 'Start the chores, will you? We'll be back!'

Adam ignored his brother's imploring eyes, spinning around on his heel. He stomped toward the barn to saddle his horse, kicking at a milk pail that blocked his path. He swung up in the saddle and took off out of the yard, his eyes unseeing as his fury blinded him. _Just wait until I get my hands on him…_

The ride down the country road, while usually pleasant, held no such joy on this day. Adam bit his lip furiously, thoughts whirling in his mind. He remembered the conversation with Hoss the previous day, about his brother wanting him to be proud of him. _He could prove it. He could prove he wants me to be proud of him by doing what he's supposed to._

He seethed as he thought about how, over the past week, his brother had done nothing but hurt and annoy him. But then a new thought hit him. Had his brother actually been trying to hurt him? He had never really stopped to consider that. It was easy for him to think those things; Adam realized that it made it even easier for him to push his brother away. But then the practical side of him, the devil's advocate, broke through his angry thoughts with a small revelation. His breath caught in his throat when the thought struck him that maybe, just maybe, he himself hadn't really tried to understand the real reasons for his brother's actions. Maybe Joe hadn't really been trying to hurt him on purpose, at least maybe not all the time. Adam realized that he hadn't actually tried to see his brother's point of view.

He almost stopped in the middle of the road when he suddenly thought about the incidents over the past week, especially the words he had spoken, no screamed, in anger at his brother last night. He had been angry, yes, and had let emotions take over common sense. His heart twisted a little and his bitter resolve started to melt away as a new realization came over him. He had been cruel to his little brother, he had hurt him in the worst way. Joe had said awful things, too, things that couldn't be excused, but that didn't take away his own responsibility. A wave of shame at his own behavior coursed over him as he thought that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't acted the best way, either.

He had been riding, lost in his thoughts, when, up ahead, a peculiar sight brought him back to awareness of his surroundings. It was the sight of a saddled horse, a horse with no rider in sight. He could tell, even in the distance, that there was something wrong with the horse. The sudden pounding of his heart made his brain fuzzy, and he struggled to make sense of the scene before him.

'That horse,' he whispered, trying desperately to put his thoughts together. Suddenly, it came to him, bright and clear, and he gasped in shocked understanding.

'_Adam, I want you to make sure Joe gets to school safely each day.'_ His father's words came back to him now.

Adam started, confused. He tried to remember back to just this morning—had anyone done that? Had anyone made sure Joe had gotten to school safely? Hoss hadn't mentioned it.

_Why was it so hard to remember just this morning?_

Adam suddenly remembered the night before his father left, Joe rolling his eyes at their father's request, almost as if he was saying, _I'm not a little kid anymore._ Adam shuddered involuntarily at the memory.

Adam urged his horse forward, fast approaching the seemingly abandoned animal, a mixture of anger and fear twisting in his stomach. The horse up ahead was one he now recognized, a certain large horse whose image would forever be burned into Adam's memory. A horse with wild eyes, eyes that had looked ready to kill. The eyes that Adam couldn't forget, the nagging memory jolted back harshly as suddenly the whole terrifying scene from the prior day was replayed right in front of his eyes.

He reached the turn in the road where the animal was, standing almost too quietly among the tall grass growing to the side. As he numbly got down from his own horse, his eyes focused on the animal in front of him The large horse was standing quietly, but Adam could tell that it was balancing its weight on only three legs. The animal's right foreleg was being held up in a gruesome angle, and Adam could tell immediately that the leg was broken. What was causing the rapidly rising wave of panic in his chest was what he didn't see. His eyes scanned the area quickly, trying to see the little brother that his common sense was now telling him should have been standing there beside the animal.

For a moment, he couldn't see anything unusual, and a little of the anger returned as his thoughts turned to the possibility that Joe had just lost control of the horse and it had run away from him, breaking it's leg in the process. That would mean that his brother's irresponsible actions had contributed to the animal's demise, as Adam could plainly see that such a break was not going to be mended. His father would definitely not be very happy with this. Adam reached for his gun, his heart sinking, knowing the necessity of what he was going to do but not liking it. It was when he turned back towards the injured animal that he saw him.

Adam felt his heart drop as he staggered towards the silent form almost lost in the tall grass. His eyes were swimming to black as his shocked lungs forgot how to breathe. His hands reached out to touch, even as his subconscious tried to instinctively recoil back, as if trying to somehow protect him from something terrible.

His hands trembled violently as he turned the seemingly lifeless child to face him. The face before him was deathly pale, almost cold to the touch. The only color was the bright smear of blood that had dribbled from his brother's lips. His fingers traced the features of the boy's face, shuddering violently at the cold, clammy feel of his brother's skin.

'Joe, Joe,' his voice wavered in a strangled whisper as he tried desperately to make some sense of anything as full blown panic began to kick in. 'Please, please open your eyes!'

Some small flicker of common sense kept Adam from the instinct to shake the child; something told him that it could possibly cause more damage. He lifted the silent form up, cradling Joe's head into his chest as he leaned over him, putting his ear to the boy's mouth in a hope that he could feel some kind of breath escaping him, some proof that he was still alive. He himself released the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding as he felt a small whisper of air come from the small form in his arms. It wasn't strong enough to ease the numbing horror he felt, and he began to look around frantically.

'How do I get him home?' he stammered out loud, his eyes still not seeing through the panic.

Staring around numbly, it was so easy, now, to see what had happened. Joe must have managed to successfully saddle and get the horse away from the house before anyone had noticed. Adam felt guilt crush him again as he remembered his father's words. He hadn't noticed his brother leave that morning, not, he now despondently realized, that he would have cared anyway. He had been so consumed with his own hurt feelings…

The horse had obviously fallen, victim to some animal hole in the ground or some other hidden danger. The horse, he surmised, must have fallen directly on the small boy, crushing him under its weight. Another guilt wave came over Adam as he came to the horrifying realization that his brother had probably been lying here for hours, no one caring enough to even notice he was missing, let alone hurt. _What kind of brother am I? Oh, my God, what have I done?_

Knowing he had to do something, anything, to save his brother, he tried to shake off the shock, necessity forcing his body to respond. Laying his brother gently back to the ground, he stood up and grabbed his jacket off the back of his horse, gently bundling the small boy tightly. Trying to hold his brother's head and neck as still as possible, he lifted him up onto his horse. Adam scrambled into the saddle behind his brother, leaning the limp body into him as he turned toward home. He kept one hand firmly on the boy's back, pressing him securely to his own body.

His mind was numb and he was in shock; it took all he had to keep his eyes focused on the road in front of him. The ride back to the house was the longest Adam had ever endured. The instinctual common sense he somehow managed to hold on to told him he couldn't go too fast, that he had to go slow and keep his brother steady. Several times he leaned forward to listen, trying to make sure that his brother was even still breathing. Joe never made a sound; he was deathly still and that caused a sick twist deep in Adam's stomach.

'Please, please, little buddy,' he begged desperately, all the while holding the boy's head to his chest. 'Oh, God, please…' his voice trailed off in a desperate whisper. He couldn't feel anything, it was starting to feel as if nothing was real; he found himself praying that the whole thing was some sick nightmare, willing himself to wake up.

After what seemed like forever, his horse finally made it into the yard. Adam's eyes scanned frantically, and he caught sight of Hoss as he was walking from the barn back to the house. Hoss turned to glare at him, but Adam could see the color fade from his brother's face as he took in the panicked look in his older brother's eyes. He came running over to Adam's horse, his eyes wide with fear.

'Adam?' the one anguished syllable sent another cold shiver down Adam's spine as he watched the horrified look of realization come across Hoss's features. 'What…what, happened?' The shocked tears began running down his face as he stared at his little brother. 'Shortshanks?'

The agonized plea in the familiar nickname twisted Adam's heart harder. He suddenly felt lightheaded as he watched his brother's tears, but the tears that threatened his own eyes still wouldn't come. 'Tell one of the hands to get Doc Martin, and…Pa,' he whispered. 'Oh, Hoss, I…I don't think…'

'Don't say that, Adam!' Hoss begged desperately. 'Little Joe ain't gonna quit on us, are ya, shortshanks?' A sob caught in his throat as he turned around and ran towards the bunkhouse.

It was only a moment before he came running back, reaching his arms up to take his small brother from Adam so he could get down from his horse. When Adam had gotten to his feet, he reached over gently and took the small boy back from his brother, making his way into the house. He climbed the stairs and made his way into his brother's room, laying the still form on the bed. As he stood up, his knees threatened to buckle as he trembled violently, trying to control the panic that was now threatening to seize control.

Adam wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, blankly staring out of the window, when he heard a noise behind him. He turned quickly and realized that it was the doctor who had arrived first. Doc Martin was a firm, yet gentle man, a good friend of Ben Cartwright. He had made numerous visits to the Cartwrights over the years, and he had known Joe since the day he had been born.

The doctor quickly took in the scene in front of him, the pale, limp child lying on the bed, not moving, hardly breathing. Adam caught his breath in his throat as he watched the expressions on the doctor's face. A horrifyingly sick feeling washed over him as he saw first the shock and sadness, then, both emotions being quickly replaced with a look of grim resignation. His stomach twisted as the doctor pushed him out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Adam tried to take a deep breath of air, the blackness again pushing at his eyes, threatening to consume him. He felt as if his legs were going to crumple underneath him as he stumbled blindly down the stairs. He numbly moved to stand by the fire, next to Hoss, who was trying to wipe the tears from his face. Hoss sat down and put his head in his hands, mumbling prayers, but Adam felt as if he was made out of stone. For the past week, he had been able to scream, cry, and lash out, but now he couldn't do anything. Nothing would come out. All he could hear, over and over, running through his head, were the awful words he had said to his brother. The _last_ words he had said to his brother.

_I cannot believe I spent so much time caring about what happened to you. Do you hear me? I don't care about you. I don't care about you… _

'Adam?' a voice pulled him back to the present and he turned towards the sound. His pa was standing there, concern and questioning on his face. Adam watched as his father's face paled at the realization that something was tragically wrong, and saw his pleading eyes begging to be told that this wasn't real, that this wasn't happening. Adam scrunched his eyes shut and turned around, unable to utter a single sound, trying to erase from his memory the haunting image of his pa's desperate eyes.

The sound of a door gently closing brought his eyes back open, and he forced his glance upward, towards the stairs. He watched as his father moved, as if in a trance, to the staircase and began to climb. The doctor stepped down and met his pa at the second step, placing his hands on the father's shoulders in an attempt to stop him. Adam saw the doctor's face and felt his own heart stop beating.

With tears rolling down his cheeks, the doctor shook his head. Trying in a vain attempt to quiet his own sobs, he shook his head again, as if he himself was trying to wake from a nightmare. The strangled whisper confirmed the unspoken horror that they had already tragically realized.

'Ben…I'm sorry, I…I couldn't…he's…he's gone…'


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm happy to know that you don't hate me, and, as requested, I tried not to keep you waiting too long. So, here it is, the next chapter. Not entirely what I first intended, but I think it works.**

**To everyone who has left me a review-thank you. I am so appreciative of the fact that you 1) are actually continuing to read this and 2) you have taken a moment out of your time to give me your honest feedback. It really means a lot to me! If I wasn't able to respond to you personally, let me assure you too that resolutions are coming!**

**That said, I warn you that this is another very angsty chapter. I'm just hoping you all hang in there with me to the end! **

**Enough said. I really do hope you enjoy!**

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_It was a cruel irony that had brought him to this place, and he struggled to breathe as he took in the realization. He had pleaded for this for the last five days, some way to release the inner turmoil that had consumed him. He hadn't been able to, though, at least not of his own accord. It was almost funny how it took someone else starting to pull it together to finally make him fall apart._

_As he weakly attempted to ease the burning in his air-starved lungs, his father just sat staring at him, looking at him as if he had just gone insane. In all actuality, Adam realized, he'd gone insane days ago. He had been so numb and devoid of anything for the last five days that the crumbling of this last small bit of his resolve had only resulted in making it obvious to the world._

_In all the days since his brother had died, he hadn't been able to cry out the hurt. Now, as the tears that had refused to come started to flood, the sobs choking him, his mind was numb as he thought on the irony of all of it. It was his own fault, after all. _

_The sobs shaking him, Adam just shut his eyes to his father's wide-eyed stare. He felt gentle hands on him as his father moved to pull him into his arms, the shock from his son's utterance quickly replaced by a deep fear. _

'_Breathe, son, just breathe,' he heard the gentle whispers as the strong arms pulled him close. Adam leaned back against the strong chest and tried to do as his father begged, all the while trying to make sense of what was happening…what had happened in the last few days…_

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Adam struggled to open his eyes, trying to shake the stubborn fogginess that was clouding his brain. His eyes squinted as he tried to focus in the gloomy darkness that was surrounding him; he was confused to find himself sprawled on the settee, a blanket thrown over him. The silence in the house was deafening. _What is going on?…_

His breath suddenly caught in his throat as his tired brain snapped awake, a wave of anguish tearing through his heart. _Joe…Little Joe is dead…and it's my fault. I killed him._ No, he hadn't physically killed his brother. But it had been his fault, all the same.

'_Ben…I'm sorry, I…I couldn't…he's…he's gone…'_

It came flooding back then, crashing down on him as he struggled to fight the nausea rising in his stomach. The room began to spin and he dazedly closed his eyes, trying to block out the haunting pictures that just wouldn't go away.

Adam shuddered at the memories flashing before his eyes; he could clearly hear the doctor's heartbreaking sobs, he watched the light completely fade from his father's eyes as his face had twisted into a grotesque caricature of grief. He couldn't block the sound of the choked sob that had escaped from his father's throat as he suddenly bolted up the stairs to Joe's room. It was followed moments later by his desperate pleas, growing louder and louder as each second passed.

'Joseph, _Joseph_, son, please! _Please, wake up!_'

Adam had put his fingers to his ears, desperate in his attempt to block the sound when his eyes caught sight of Hoss standing frozen in place. His fingers moved involuntarily towards him and he touched his brother's arm. Something in the touch caused Hoss to jump, startling him out of his shock. With tears running down his face he pushed past Adam and ran up the stairs, his own shrieks echoing those of his father.

Time had seemed to just stand still as the doctor came down the stairs and stood in front of him; Adam didn't move as he seemed unable to do anything but stare blankly at the wall. The doctor mumbled something, but he couldn't hear him, his mind unable to focus. Realizing the futility of trying to continue, Doc Martin just stumbled out the door, seemingly unashamed of the tears coursing down his cheeks.

The suffocating stillness of the house now brought Adam back, and, pushing the blanket aside, he stiffly made his way to stand. Drawing in a deep breath, he shakily made his way to the kitchen where he found Hop Sing sobbing bitterly into his hands. The random thought that it took a lot to make the small man cry tugged at Adam's heart as the cook noticed Adam and made his way over to him.

'Father not left room with numba three son, hours and hours,' he wailed mournfully. 'Brother cry long, long time, no eat.' Hop Sing stared desolately at the dinner he had prepared. 'What will family do without little boy?'

The tragic tone in the words pushed darkness towards Adam's eyes as again his heart stopped beating. His numb mind was unable to give the question any serious thought and he staggered from the kitchen out onto the front porch. He stared up into the dark, clear sky; so beautiful, so peaceful, just mocking him. _How_ _can anything be peaceful ever again?_ Adam just stood staring, pleading at the sky, begging someone, anyone, to wake him from this nightmare that had taken over. The tears he could feel choking his throat still wouldn't come to the surface as he silently pleaded for some kind of release.

His wordless pleas were interrupted by the sound of a loud moan coming from inside the house. At the sound of his brother's anguished sobs, Adam blinked his eyes rapidly and tried to steel himself, slowly making his way up the stairs towards his youngest brother's room. His hand moved involuntarily to grasp the doorknob, his body moving automatically to open the door even as his heart was begging him not to.

His eyes fell on the figure of his father, kneeling beside the bed, his arms stretched out in front of him. Adam felt the sudden wave of nausea rising again as he heard the slow, labored cry of the broken man, his mumbles incoherent. If his father had heard someone entering the room, he didn't show it as he continued to moan, oblivious to everything but his grief. Adam's eyes skirted upwards to the head of the bed and quickly slammed shut as another wave of terrifying dizziness caused the room to spin.

Stumbling, he quickly pushed himself back out of the door and made his way to his own room. His thoughts churned and he knew he would never forget the sight of his brother, the image implanted forever in his mind. His small, pale face, slightly pinched mouth, his blazing green eyes closed forever. The soft lines of his face, the curls tumbled over his forehead. So still, so peaceful.

Adam took two steps into his room and fell in a heap on his bed as the darkness that had threatened him all night succeeded in pulling him under. He just couldn't think anymore.

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The morning glare made the dull ache in his head throb as Adam slowly opened his eyes, trying to remember why he had not changed before going to bed. The pain tightened in his head as he choked in a sharp breath, his heart twisting as he again remembered the horrible truth: _Joe, Little Joe is dead._

He stood slowly and moved woodenly out of his room, heading downstairs into the eerily silent house. The quietness was a contradiction of itself. The silence was incredibly loud, thundering in his ears as he tried to block it out.

He made his way downstairs and sat down at the table, more out of habit than of the desire to actually eat anything. His stomach churned at the thought of food, sending him perilously close to the swirling blackness again. The silence in the house hummed in his ears, a sudden sound on the stairs causing his head to shoot up, his eyes momentarily seeing the image of his youngest brother rushing down the stairs on his way to school. The stabbing realization of the horrible truth twisted his stomach as the image faded.

It was Hoss who appeared on the stairs; Adam choked back a dry sob as he took in his brother's pale features. His face was so white, his mouth pinched tight, dark purple smudges under his eyes. It was his eyes that caused Adam to shudder. The blankness of his eyes, staring at him but not seeing him. Hoss stumbled awkwardly down the stairs and took a seat next to his older brother.

'Oh, Adam,' he whispered, the utter hopelessness evident in his voice as the tears threatened again. 'It ain't true, is it? I mean, he can't really be…' He couldn't continue and the tears took over, and he put his head down on the table and sobbed.

Adam couldn't say anything, the tears that always threatened but never came still stuck in his throat, choking off his words. _Why can't I cry? _His hand absently started to run up and down his brother's back as he subconsciously tried to soothe his brother in any way possible.

Hoss let his grief pour out for a few minutes, and then he ruefully wiped the tears from his face with the back of his sleeve. He staggered to his feet and mumbled out the excuse, 'Goin' out…chores,' before he opened the door and disappeared quickly into the sunny morning.

Adam stared out at the bright sunny sky. He absently found it to be rather cruel, the sun shining down so unmercifully, when another sound caught his attention. He turned around and saw Hop Sing standing in front of him, his own eyes red-rimmed with grief.

'Mista Adam want something to eat?' the cook asked quietly. 'Numba two son no eat again. Mista Adam, what we do?'

'No, Hop Sing, thank you,' Adam whispered quickly. He didn't bother to acknowledge the other question; the question that he just couldn't bear the answer to.

'Father no come down all night,' Hop Sing continued forlornly. 'What we do?' He continued to press, his eyes darting back and forth. 'You go check on father?'

Adam closed his eyes as he tried to forget the look he had seen on his father's face the previous night. He had seen it before; it had been the same look that had been on his face at Marie's death. When she had died, his pa had gone somewhere that none of them had been able to reach; it had taken months for him to come back. Adam wasn't sure if he could bear it again. _But it's my fault Joe's dead…_

He opened his eyes and realized that Hop Sing had been holding his breath, waiting for a response. So, even though his whole body protested, he stood up and slowly nodded.

'I'll go check on Pa.'

The cook sighed in relief as Adam moved slowly towards the steps. He thought on checking his father's room, but, knowing that he wouldn't be there, turned instead to his youngest brother's closed door. He took a deep breath to try to steady himself as he reached for the doorknob and pushed the door open.

The room was still the same as it had been the previous night, even the lamp was still burning. Adam's throat constricted as he took in the sight of his brother lying so still in the bed. His father was leaning over him, asleep, his hand still cupped on the little boy's chest. Adam stretched out a trembling hand and gently touched his father's shoulder. His father's head shot up at the touch, his eyes registering confusion, followed in quick succession by horror and despair. Adam watched the eyes fill with tears as the head went back down to the bed.

'Joe, oh, Joe,' the desperate man cried, his hand reaching again to touch the small lifeless boy. Adam felt his breathing stop as he just stared miserably at his father. _'Why? Oh, God, why? What are we going to do now?'_

It came to him suddenly. As the world he had always known closed forever, a small resolve crept into his being. Somehow, even if it killed him, he would get them all through this. It wasn't much, but it was all he could do. He backed out slowly and gently closed the door behind him.

'I have to be strong,' he whispered resolutely, forcing himself to push the approaching blackness aside. 'I have to do it for Joe.'

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Adam sat at his father's desk, his head in his hands as he willed the tears to come, to bring even just a small measure of relief. But the cool resolve that had helped him through so many struggles kept holding on, robbing him of the ability for even this small comfort. The irony was cruel, and the tears he longed for so desperately would not come. It had been a hard day.

He had gone to town; there were certain things that needed to be done. He had been greeted with an onslaught of sympathetic glances and watery eyes since the doctor had told the townspeople what had happened. Many people, much to his relief, had just turned away quickly, whispering to each other, unsure of what to say. He just couldn't deal with the questions and formalities now. He had finally finished the necessary visits; everything was set for tomorrow.

He had stopped at the bunkhouse on the way back to speak to the hands. The normally jovial atmosphere was missing as the men stood nervously, quietly, waiting to hear what the pale young man in front of them had to say. There were even a few tears on some of the weather-worn cheeks.

He was grateful when Charlie, the foreman, gruffly cleared his throat and asked if he would need any help. Adam nodded, the words stuck in his throat. 'Uh, tomorrow…' he choked out, '…ten o'clock...'

He couldn't get any more words out, and, taking in the slow nod of understanding from the foreman, he turned to leave. There wasn't any more to be said, anyway. He needed to get back to the house; he had to be there before Mr. Willard Burton, the undertaker, arrived.

'Okay,' Charlie had said sadly, staring hard at the young man. 'Mr. Cartwright,' he called, raising his voice a little to make sure that he was even heard, 'let me know if you need anything.' Adam had just nodded dumbly and turned away.

When he got back to the house, he paced anxiously as he waited. Once Mr. Burton had arrived, Adam had found it hard to pull his father away from his brother's room. As if he were in a trance, Ben had at first resisted Adam's attempts to get him to leave his son, shaking his head resolutely as he continued to cup the small boy's hand in his large one. But, finally, after a few moments, he had given up his fight and staggered, utterly defeated, out of the room. Adam followed closely, but his father went directly into his room and closed the door behind him. Adam had brought Mr. Burton some water and then had numbly gone downstairs to wait.

Hoss had come in then, his face quickly pinching in anguish as he looked at his older brother. Adam saw the tears begin to trickle down his brother's face at the realization of what was going on. He turned and quickly ran upstairs, slamming his door as the first broken sobs escaped from his throat.

It had been almost an hour later when Mr. Burton had returned downstairs, clearing his throat and looking at Adam hesitatingly. Adam's absent eyes could see the reluctance in the older man's face, so he quickly asked him what he needed.

Mr. Burton cleared his throat again. 'If you have some of Little Joe's clothes…' his voice dropped off with immediate sympathy as he saw the flinch of pain that crossed the young man's features.

Adam recoiled, his heart again in his throat, his knees trembling violently. He took a deep breath to steady himself against the ever-threatening darkness, taking in the older man's sympathetic expression as his mind registered the implication of the request.

He pushed himself up the stairs to his brother's room and his shaking hands reached into the bureau and pulled out his brother's Sunday jacket and bow tie. Through the fog that clung to his mind, he dazedly remembered that his brother had always hated those clothes. The thought spurred his hands back into motion, and shoving the clothes back in the drawer, he instead grabbed his brother's favorite corduroy jacket and pants. Handing them to Mr. Burton, he brokenly mumbled an excuse and went back downstairs, blinking rapidly as again the room began to spin.

When Mr. Burton had left, after clasping Adam's hand tightly in unspoken sympathy as he promised to be back in the morning, Adam stood quietly, trying to summon what was left of his resolve. He made the agonizingly slow trip back up to his brother's room. He steadied himself and, taking a deep breath, pushed the door open.

_He looks so small._

His eyes took in the quiet, still face, the soft curls falling softly, innocently, over his forehead. His pained heart cried as his thoughts began to fill with the pictures of a past life. He could suddenly see so clearly the little baby he had held so closely in his arms, he could feel the small arms wrapped around him as he was in the throes of another nightmare, he could hear the sobs as the stage had taken him away. Then, the darker images as he remembered the fighting, those last bitter words shouted in hate and anger. He'd never be able to take them back now. His breath caught again and he backed away slowly, the torment of the unspoken words stabbing him.

'I'm sorry, little buddy,' he choked on the hoarse whisper. 'I'm so sorry.'

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The rain drizzled down as they stood there, the familiar place where Marie Cartwright lay. The words being whispered to the distraught family by the preacher didn't reach Adam's ears as he stood staring blankly at the small white box sitting next to the pile of stark, red earth. He turned his still-dry eyes to look at his family beside him.

His heart twisted cruelly as he took in his brother, sobbing quietly, leaning on his father for support. Adam's heart ached, a mixture of sympathy and envy, as he took in his brother's tears; the yearned for release of emotions that had been denied him. As his gaze fell on his father, the ache was jolted away by the sudden fear that shot through his body. Ben's eyes, devoid of any emotion, stared blankly into the distance while his hand absently rubbed his younger son's back. The look in his eyes made Adam wonder if his father even knew what was going on.

His father had been unresponsive since it had happened. Once Adam had pulled him away when Mr. Burton had come, he had stayed locked away in his room, not talking, not eating. It had taken everything Adam had in him to even get the shattered man dressed for the funeral. The hauntingly blank stare reflected in his father's eyes burned into Adam's memory and shattered his heart again.

'Shortshanks,' the choked cry, more of a low pleading moan, escaped Hoss's lips, jolting Adam's attention back to the scene in front of him.

He watched dazedly as Hoss and his father turned slowly towards the house, unable to watch anymore. Adam whirled back around, a sickening sense of dread rising in his throat as he watched in horrified fascination what was happening in front of him. He couldn't pull his eyes away as he watched the small box lifted down, shovelfuls of earth dropped, almost tenderly, onto it.

The work done, the men turned away, leaving the young man alone. Time stood still as he stood frozen, his mind spinning as he stared at the mound in front of him. The rain began to fall harder as he took in the absolute finality of it. He began to tremble violently as the unwilling tears still refused to come. Panic caused the air to leave his lungs, and as he struggled to take a breath, the overwhelming feeling of loss swept over him.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' he gasped, turning blindly to run somewhere, anywhere. Anywhere to escape the pain.

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The next few days found Adam trying to keep himself busy, trying to cope in this new, chilling shadow of normal. The only thing that kept him going was his decision to take over the responsibilities of the ranch. Not that he had had any choice in the matter. After the funeral, his father had taken to his room, closing himself off from everyone as he had done before. Hoss, too, had decided to keep his distance from the house. He would leave early in the morning, working until it was too dark to see, coming in only to eat and go to bed.

The oppressive silence was deafening. The work kept Adam busy during the day, but for all the hard work, sleep still eluded him. At night his mind kept wandering, dark thoughts shrouded in guilt that pulled him in every direction. Then there were the cruel tricks his mind was beginning to play on him: the haunting voice of his little brother calling out to him, the images of his brother barreling down the stairs, the pouting look in his expressive green eyes. All reminders of a life that was gone, a life snatched away from those who still needed him.

He stood suddenly as Hoss came in, pushing past silently on his way up the stairs. Adam rushed to his brother, needing to talk to someone, anyone. The silence was screaming at him, the stubborn tears that wouldn't come choking him, the guilt crushing his breath out of him.

'Hoss,' he whispered, his trembling hand reaching towards his brother. _I just can't do this alone anymore…_

He was rocked backwards by the force of Hoss slapping his hand away. 'I don't wanna talk, Adam!'

'Hoss, please, I…I…' the words died on his lips as he felt the weight of his brother's cold stare bearing down on him.

'I told ya, Adam, I ain't feelin' like talkin' to ya!' Hoss's eyes began to fill with angry tears as he tried to stomp past his brother to the stairs.

Adam stared at his brother hopelessly, watching the tears that fell so easily from his brother's eyes. Hoss suddenly lost all the fight that was in him and sunk down despondently into the settee, trying vainly to wipe the tears away with his sleeve.

'Why, Adam?' he began to moan, causing Adam's heart to twist even more. _Not again,_ his mind begged desperately. _I can't do this anymore…_

'Why, why, _WHY!_' Hoss demanded brokenly, his voice rising shrilly as he continued to ignore his brother's stricken face. 'Why'd ya…'

Adam sucked in his breath sharply as the room started spinning. Hoss stared at him, his eyes wide in shock and guilt at what he had just said as Adam slowly shook his head.

'Adam, I'm…I'm…sorry, I…'

'You're right,' he softly whispered, interrupting his brother's guilty apology. 'It's my fault. My fault Joe's dead.'

'No, Adam,' Hoss pleaded, his eyes widening as he saw the desperate look entering his brother's eyes. 'You couldn't know what Joe was gonna do…it was an accident…'

'No!' Adam screamed brokenly, scaring himself with the sudden loudness. 'Don't you see? It was me! _ME!_ I killed him, I murdered him! _Don't you understand?!_'

The blackness pushed onto him then, robbing him of his faculties as his breathing grew labored. He pushed back desperately, trying to get away. A sudden stab of pain flashed through his head as he blindly crashed into something. His brain, unable to process what was happening, went blank as the blackness finally took control.

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His eyes opened slowly, confusion growing as he tried to make sense of his surroundings, realizing he was in his room, lying on his bed. His breath caught in his throat as he started in shock at the sight of his father sitting on the bed next to him, his own face intent with concern.

'Pa?' Adam choked out, noting the calmness on his father's face. He was taken slightly aback, even as he felt the slight relief at seeing that his father was out of his room.

_Funny, he looks quite calm._

'Adam? Are you okay, son?' Adam stared intently as his father actually forced out a small smile. 'What happened? I just had this feeling something was wrong…I came home as fast as I could.'

He was rambling.

'I know about the fight with your brother…is that why you are upset?' His tired eyes watched his son's eyes widen as he continued. 'He told me all about it, you know. I thought I'd better hear your side of the story, too,' he said lightly, chuckling softly_._

The smile fell from his face as he watched his son gasp in shock, Adam's confused brain trying to process what his father had just said.

'I…I didn't fight with Hoss…' Adam stuttered, trying desperately to force his mind to remember. His chest tightened as his father's features turned up in confusion.

'Not Hoss,' Ben said softly, a strange look entering his eyes. 'Little Joe. From what I've heard, apparently you two have been at each other's throats since I went to Silver City.' He said it mildly, calmly.

The utter calmness in the response caused Adam's remaining resolve to crumble, and he began to shake violently as his heart dropped. He tried to make sense of his father's words, and his throat closed as he finally understood the horrible reality.

_Doesn't he remember Joe is dead?! He must have gone crazy…oh my God…how do I tell him Joe is dead?_

He began to frantically pull himself forward, his breath catching in ragged gasps. He couldn't bear the sudden look of fear that crept into his father's eyes. But he had to. The words took the last of his strength. His labored voice just barely whispered,

'Pa, don't you remember? Little Joe…he's dead.'

'What?! Adam…' the words trailed off into shocked silence and Adam closed his eyes, unable to look at his father a minute longer.

It was a cruel irony that had brought him to this place, and he struggled to breathe as he took in the realization. He had pleaded for this for the last five days, some way to release the inner turmoil that had consumed him. He hadn't been able to, though, at least not of his own accord. It was almost funny how it took someone else starting to pull it together to finally make him fall apart.

As he weakly attempted to ease the burning in his air-starved lungs, his father just sat staring at him, looking at him as if he had just gone insane. In all actuality, Adam realized, he'd gone insane days ago. He had been so numb and devoid of anything for the last five days that the crumbling of this last small bit of his resolve had only resulted in making it obvious to the world.

In all the days since his brother had died, he hadn't been able to cry out the hurt. Now, as the tears that had refused to come started to flood, the sobs choking him, his mind was numb as he thought on the irony of all of it. It was his own fault, after all.

The sobs shaking him, Adam just shut his eyes to his father's wide-eyed stare. He felt gentle hands on him as his father moved to pull him into his arms, the shock from his son's utterance quickly replaced by a deep fear.

'Breathe, son, just breathe,' he heard the gentle whispers as the strong arms pulled him close. Adam leaned back against the strong chest and attempted to do as his father was begging, trying to swallow gulps of air.

A thundering of footsteps on the stairs and a violent slam of the bedroom door caused his head to jerk upward. His eyes snapped open at the sound as the familiar voice cried,

'_PA!_ I…I…is Adam okay?!'

A bitter scream escaped from his throat as he felt the little control he had left slipping away. The last thing he saw was the terrified look on his father's face as he felt his eyes roll back in his head as darkness consumed him.

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**I told you, resolutions are coming! Does this work? Please, I would love to hear what you think! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry it took me a bit longer than usual to get this next chapter up (being sick is not conducive to writing, I'm afraid). But all better now and hoping that this chapter stays true to where I have been trying to go all along!**

**Just a couple of 'housekeeping items': there will be 1 more chapter after this one and an epilogue. I'm just not sure yet if I'm going to post them separate or at the same time. You will just have to wait and see :)**

**I'm also going to do a little shameless self-promotion and ask you to check out my story, 'The Things We Keep.' If you like Chapter 1 of this story, I think you'll like it. I explain more in that story.**

**Lastly, just a few notes to some of my reviewers (I love all of you guys, by the way!)**

**Rachel L Driscoll - Not much else that I can say except thank you. I am honored.**

**Alice (guest) - Rest assured. I fully intend to finish what I start. I hope you continue to enjoy!**

**AdamFan - Thanks for your honest review. I too think Adam would be an awesome big brother (if I had one, I would want him to be it!). But I have to respectfully disagree on the whole guilt thing-I would hope he would feel a little guilty about what he said! If I said something like that to my little brother (even if he provoked it), and then he was gone forever, I don't know what I'd do! And all amends are not his only to make...I hope you finish out this ride with me!**

**Ok, enough rambling. I just wanted to say something to everyone I couldn't get a PM to! Hope you all continue to enjoy!**

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Ben just sat frozen on the bed, arms around his unconscious son, utterly stunned. His eyes focused on the pale form in his arms, his mind unable to understand what had just happened. The initial shock he'd felt from his son's words had quickly been replaced by a deep fear that had caused his heart to leap into his throat. His heart hammering loudly, he tried to ease his own rapid breathing in an attempt to calm himself down. He just sat staring intently at his son, his fingers moving to gently brush his son's hair back from his forehead, as he tried to process it all.

His fatherly instinct had told him something was wrong. When he had finished his business in Silver City, he had originally planned to stay over for the night and return home the next morning. Once he had returned to his hotel room, however, something had gnawed in his stomach, telling him that he needed to get home immediately. He hadn't been able to sleep, and after arguing it over and over again in his mind, he decided to make the trip home. Muttering to himself that this was probably all foolishness, he had ridden through the night and made it home sometime after two in the morning.

Expecting the house to be dark when he rode into the yard, he felt a sickening twist in his stomach when he saw the lights shining in the windows. As he pushed through the front door, a feeling of dread coming over him, he fervently hoped that maybe his oldest son was just up late working on some paperwork, had lost track of the time. He somehow doubted it, however, and his uneasy feeling was confirmed when his eyes met the sight that greeted him.

And that is how he found himself in his oldest son's room, watching him intently as he restlessly slept. It had only taken a few minutes' worth of explanation from his middle son to know enough of what had been going on for him to feel the need to see Adam. He hadn't gotten any further than just sitting there with a puzzled frown on his face, just watching his son sleep, when Adam's eyes slowly flickered open.

'Pa?' Adam had choked out, and Ben's confusion grew as he saw his son's eyes widen to stare at him.

The haunted look in his son's eyes unnerved him, and words tumbled unhindered from his mouth in a steady stream. He managed to keep his voice calm, even as every word he spoke caused his son's eyes to grow wider, his breath now coming out in ragged gasps. Ben cracked a small smile as he tried to lightly joke with his son, hoping to release a little of the tension building in the room. The smile fell from his face and his uneasiness tightened into fear as his son's face grew deathly pale and he flinched in obvious anguish.

He watched wide-eyed as his son squirmed as if he'd been struck, his face distraught as his breathing became labored. Ben saw the pained determination in his son's eyes as he struggled to speak, the hurt on Adam's face causing his stomach to twist even tighter. But it was the words, when they finally came out, that caused Ben's heart to stop beating.

'Pa, don't you remember? Little Joe…he's dead.'

The words were pleading, desperate. Ben moved to speak, but his shocked retort died on his lips as he watched his son crumble, his eyes closing as deep sobs shook him, stealing his breath. He scrambled quickly to the bed and put his arms around his son, trying to find a way to comfort the distraught young man. Panic building in his own chest, he desperately begged his son to breathe as he pulled him close, rocking him gently, cradling him just as he had done years ago. He didn't even notice when the bedroom door slammed violently.

'_PA!_ I…I…is Adam okay?!'

The rushed words brought forth a firestorm of emotion. Ben could do nothing but gape wide-mouthed in horror as his son's head jerked upwards, a wild look in his eyes, the bitter scream that had erupted from his throat still echoing in the room. He watched helplessly as his son fell limp in his arms, obviously overcome by the torment that the words had thrown him into.

Shaking his head in an attempt to clear his senses, he forced himself to take a shaky breath and moved to gently lay his son down on the bed. Swallowing hard to dispel the lump in his throat, his eyes focused for the first time on the small, terrified figure cowering by the bedroom door.

'Get your brother, now!'

His gruff voice snapped the little boy from his shock, and, with tears glistening in his eyes, he nodded his head and backed slowly out of the room. Ben swallowed again and turned his attention back to the pale young man lying on the bed.

'Adam, Adam, wake up,' he pleaded, his hands lightly slapping his son's cheeks as he tried to revive him. Ben's fear increased as he took in the ghostly pallor of his son's face and the film of sweat now covering his clammy skin. He could hear movement behind him as Hoss pushed his way into the room, stumbling to a halt as his eyes grew wide at the sight of his brother. Not turning his attention away from Adam, Ben barked out desperately,

'Hoss! Get some water, quick!'

The teenager ran quickly to comply, moving over to the wash stand and sloshing some water into the bowl. Grabbing a towel, he picked the bowl up in his trembling hands and moved towards his father, his heart pounding. He handed his father the water and backed away slowly, his wide eyes never leaving his brother's still face.

Ben dipped the towel into the water and gently laid the cool cloth over his son's forehead. His eyes continued to dart nervously over his son's face, and he breathed a small sigh of relief when he finally saw his son's eyes begin to struggle open.

'That's it, nice and easy,' he shakily encouraged, placing his hands on the boy's shoulders to support him as Adam's eyes fluttered open. 'Come on, son, it's okay.'

Smiling slightly with the relief that his son was awake, Ben quickly turned to the teenager standing next to him. Brushing a hand across his son's shoulder, he said to him gently,

'Hoss. Please, go check on your brother.'

Ben gave him a weak smile, and Hoss's features relaxed a little. His concerned eyes taking one last glance at his brother, Hoss nodded his head and silently moved to the door. Ben felt a measure of relief as he watched his middle son head out the door, and he turned back around as his attention focused again on his oldest. Hoss would take care of Joe; Ben had seen the fear in his youngest son's eyes and wanted to make sure he was alright, but he just couldn't leave at the moment. Something terrible had happened to his oldest son, and he needed to find out what.

'Adam,' he whispered gently, concern darkening his eyes again as he helped him sit up on the bed. He frowned as his son continued to gasp for air, his face still too pale and a look of terror building in his eyes. 'Son…?'

Adam looked confusedly at his father, unsure of what had just happened. His eyes suddenly flooded with tears as everything came rushing back. Not ready to believe what he had just seen and heard, he gasped weakly between sobs,

'Pa….Joe…'

'Adam, what is it?' his father gently demanded, the anxious fear building again as he stared into his son's tormented eyes. 'What you said before…why?'

Adam drew in his breath sharply. 'Pa, Joe…he's dead.' His eyes pleaded with his father, imploring him to understand.

He had heard it before, so maybe it shouldn't have caused such a fierce reaction. But just hearing the terrible words again caused Ben's heart to drop. Trying to catch his own breath, he managed to choke out,

'Adam, what are you talking about!? Your brother…he's downstairs…he's…' The words died in his throat at the look of confused despair that had again crossed his son's face.

Adam just stared back at his father, the confusion and absolute desolation he felt plainly covering his features. He felt his eyes again filling with tears as the emotions he had been unable to release since the beginning of this nightmare continued to pour out. He was suddenly so spent, so completely drained. He couldn't control the sobs that shook him as his father again wrapped him tightly in his arms, just holding him as he relieved his anguish.

After a few minutes the sobs subsided and Adam just sat, numbly in his father's arms, staring down at the floor. Ben used the time to gather his own emotions and, in a calm tone, asked the question that was on his mind.

'What made you think your brother was dead?' He waited for a response, and, when he didn't get one, he continued softly. 'Adam…it must have been a dream.'

Adam continued to stare blankly at the floor. A tiny piece of him wanted desperately to believe what his father had said was true, but the horror of the previous days' events was still too vivid in his memory. He was afraid. If this was a dream, if this wasn't real…

_I can't do this again…_

'Pa, is this real?' he finally choked out, his eyes filling with more tears as the pained look returned to his face. 'I mean, really real? You aren't just telling me this…'

Ben's heart broke at the sight of the anguished look on his son's face. Knowing he had to something, _anything_, to prove to his son that his brother was alive, he did the only thing he could think of doing. He yelled.

'Joseph! Hoss! Come here, _NOW!_'

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'_PA!_ I…I…is Adam okay?!'

The words tumbled from his mouth, his anger quickly disappearing as he saw his brother struggling to breathe. His eyes widened in terror as he watched his brother collapse, his eyes rolling back into his head as an agonized scream escaped from his lips. The little boy stood frozen, his back to the door, unable to do anything but stare as his now-silent older brother lay motionless in his father's arms. Panic began to sear through his small body and he began to tremble violently, the shock of what he had just witnessed beginning to take over.

'Get your brother, now!'

His father's sharp words suddenly snapped Joe into motion, and nodding weakly, he bolted from the room. His feet flew blindly down the stairs and he collided with Hoss, who, after hearing the commotion, had started to make his way up the stairs. Joe instinctively latched his arms tightly around his older brother's waist and buried his face in his brother's chest, shocked tears starting to form in his eyes as he took in the comfort of his brother's arms embracing him.

'Shortshanks, what is it?!' Hoss whispered anxiously, fear knotting in his stomach as he took in the distraught look on his brother's face.

His concern grew as he watched his little brother; Joe's only response to his brother's question was to slightly nod his head in the direction of Adam's room. Even without words, Hoss was able to understand what the distraught child meant. His face pinched into a frown as he realized that his little brother was in shock. Lifting Joe gently into his arms, Hoss carried him down the stairs and set him on the settee. He took a minute to brush his hand through the boy's curls as he gently whispered,

'Ya sit right here, little buddy. I'll be back in a minute, okay? Don't ya go nowhere.'

The old nickname slipped out before he could catch it, but his little brother didn't even notice. Joe just nodded mutely as he stared blankly at the floor; Hoss gave him one last look of concern as he turned and ran up the stairs, leaving the small boy alone with his thoughts.

Panic again seized the boy and he began to gasp in ragged sobs, his body shaking. He threw himself down on the settee, burying his face in the fabric as the tears poured from his eyes. His sobs grew more hysterical as each minute passed, the whole horrible evening coming back to him.

_I hate you! I wish you had never come back!_

He could still hear his terrible words, the words he hadn't meant, not really. He had just been so angry…he didn't think. All he had wanted was his brother to be proud of him, but nothing he did had worked out right. He had just gotten angry and he'd said those terrible things. And now his brother hated him.

He was crying so hard, his thoughts beginning to muddle in his mind, irrational fear taking over, that he didn't hear his brother's voice calling gently to him. He was unaware of anything until strong arms lifted him up, and he suddenly found himself pulled into a tight embrace.

'Shortshanks! It's okay! Calm down,' Hoss urged him gently, rubbing his brother's back in a desperate attempt to comfort him.

'Did…did Adam d...die?' The stuttered words were tragic.

Hoss stared into the watery green eyes, his heart hurting for the distraught boy. He just shook his head slowly, expecting to see relief cross his brother's features. His brow wrinkled in confusion as Joe dissolved into fresh tears, burying his head again in his older brother's chest.

'I…I didn't mean it.'

'Whatcha meanin', shortshanks?' Hoss prodded gently, already beginning to understand what was going on.

'I didn't m-mean it,' Joe mumbled again, a last sob choking out into a hiccup. 'I didn't mean what I said, Hoss. I…I don't h-hate him.' His face crumpled as more tears threatened. 'And now it's t-too l-late…'

'What ya talkin' about?' Hoss demanded lightly, pulling the small boy away so that he could look into his brother's eyes.

'Adam's leavin',' Joe answered despondently. 'He said so. And he h-hates me, too. It's all my fault, Hoss.'

The sadness on the boy's face brought tears to Hoss's eyes. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand as he sat quietly, waiting for Joe to continue.

'I…I didn't mean to…to break it,' Joe's voice quavered, his eyes glancing at the broken frame lying on the coffee table. 'I just wanted to t-touch it…I g-guess I woulda been mad if I was Adam, b-but, I…I really didn't mean it,' he pleaded, his eyes begging his brother to understand.

'And I…I know I shouldn't of tried ridin' that horse,' he lowered his voice a little, his eyes clouding slightly. The open admission of guilt surprised Hoss a little. 'I…I just wanted to s-show him I was all grown up. I know Pa woulda took me to the woodshed f-for it…but…oh, Hoss!' his voice broke into another choked sob. 'I…I'm sorry! S-sorry for all of it!'

'Don't ya think ya need to tell this to Adam?'

His older brother's soft voice broke through the tears that had started up again. Joe looked up into his brother's concerned eyes and shook his head.

'He h-hates me!'

'Nah, he don't hate you,' Hoss smiled weakly, trying to reassure the little boy. 'You two are brothers, and I know he loves ya. Talk to him. Ya both have been so stubborn, tryin' to prove somethin' when ya shoulda talked it all out instead. Tell him. Tell him ya love 'im and you're sorry. Iffen ya both are who I think you are, it'll be okay.'

Joe sat staring at his brother, his sad eyes suddenly turning thoughtful, and Hoss breathed a sigh of relief when Joe nodded his head slightly in agreement. A sudden shout from upstairs caused them to jump.

'Joseph! Hoss! Come here, _NOW!_'

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Adam continued to stare blankly at the floor, tears blurring his vision as he sat on the bed, his father's strong arms still supporting him. His confused thoughts swirled in his still-fuzzy brain, unable to tell what was real. His breath caught in his throat as he heard the bedroom door open, his eyes still stubbornly refusing to shift their gaze from the floor.

'Joseph, come here please,' Ben's words were soft as he reached out his hand to his youngest son, beckoning him to come into the room.

Adam's head snapped up and his eyes widened in shock as he caught a glimpse of his brother's emerald eyes peering at him timidly from the doorway. His breath quickened as he saw his little brother staring at him intently, his small hand grasping tightly to Hoss's hand as his brother nudged him forward. Joe's eyes widened as he took a couple of hesitant steps towards his father.

'Adam, see, I told you,' Ben murmured as he took in Adam's quickening breath and Joe's frightened expression. Ben reached out and pulled his youngest son to his side. 'Here, touch him…see, he's really here,' he continued, pulling Adam's hand forward and pressing it firmly into Joe's chest.

Adam's fingers moved gently across his brother's chest, his breath quickening as he took in the feeling of his brother's rapid heartbeat. He lunged forward and threw his arms around the small boy, crushing him to his chest in a fierce hug as the relieved tears poured from his eyes.

'Oh, little buddy,' he sobbed, his hands sliding through the boy's hair and tracing his features before he pulled him tightly to his chest again. Joe squirmed slightly at the intensity of his brother's reaction, but didn't protest as the show of affection continued.

Finally, Joe, overcome with his own emotions, pulled himself away from his brother. With tears running down his face, he shook his head and whispered to his big brother,

'Adam, I l-love you. I…I'm sorry. I don't hate you.'

'Oh, little buddy,' Adam shook his head, pulling the little boy into another tight hug. 'I love you too. And I'm so sorry for all of it.'

Ben stood and put his arm across Hoss's shoulder, tears blurring his own eyes as he watched his two sons together. Yes, it was going to take time, but his boys were going to be all right.

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It was almost noon when Adam made his way down the stairs into the front room, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Ben watched him intently from his seat on the settee, taking in the young man's exhausted features.

'Hello, son,' Ben smiled warmly at his oldest, relief crossing his face as his son's eyes looked at him in acknowledgment. Even though his son was visibly exhausted, the terror that he had seen previously in Adam's eyes was gone. Ben relaxed slightly in the satisfaction that, though it would take time, he had nothing but the utmost confidence that his family was going to be okay.

'Pa,' Adam returned hesitatingly, unsure of how to start the conversation he needed to have with his father. 'Can we talk?'

'Sure, son,' Ben invited, gesturing for his son to sit down. He had expected that his son, now knowing his brother was alright, needed this release. Adam had always talked out his problems with his father. 'Where do you want to start?'

'Well, Pa…I…,' Adam sat down next to his father and lifted sad eyes to meet his father's concerned gaze. He felt himself begin to relax slightly at the comfort he received from his father's expression. Slowly, haltingly, he began to tell him the whole story.

His first words spoke sadly about how he had felt at Joe's reaction to finding out he had put him to bed that first night, the shame he had felt at having jumped to conclusions when he had thought his brother had been fighting, the devastation he had felt in his heart when Joe hadn't wanted to confide in him as he had done before. How scared he had been when Joe had gotten on that horse…how he had reacted…

'Hoss tried to explain it to me,' he sighed tiredly, wiping his hand across his eyes. 'He told me about the nightmares, about Joe being afraid I wasn't coming back. He asked me to try to understand…and… I…'

'You were hurt,' Ben said softly, trying to keep his own emotions in control as he placed a hand on his son's shoulder. The picture of his youngest on a wild horse made him sick to his stomach; he could guess at the torment actually _seeing_ it must have put his son through.

'Yeah,' Adam nodded sadly. 'Joe was mad about it, and I didn't get to talk to him before I went up to the lumber camp.' His face curled into a sudden grimace as he remembered the lumber camp. 'Oh, Pa…' he groaned despairingly, 'I really made a mess of things with the lumber camp. I'm sorry…I lost my temper, and I…I…'

'What happened?' his father asked, his concern growing again as he watched his son's eyes fill with shamed tears. 'Adam, what is it?'

Adam took a deep breath as he tried to steel himself for the reaction of disappointment he was sure his father would give him when he told him the news. 'I…I'm sorry, but I…I fired Jenkins…'

'You what?' Ben's voice raised slightly at the shock he felt. 'How did that happen?'

'Well, he…he wouldn't talk to me,' Adam stammered, trying to read his father's expression. 'He told me he only talks to real men, and if you wanted to talk business, you needed to come yourself. I got really angry and I said some things…but when he swung at me…I told him to go…I'm sorry…'

'He swung at you?' Ben's voice grew loud as his anger escalated. After all, this was his son they were talking about. 'Did he hurt you?'

Adam shocked his father with a small, rather sheepish grin. 'No…uh, actually, he didn't lay a finger on me. I…I got in a couple of good swings, though.' His eyes darkened again at the sobering reality. 'That's when I told him to go. Oh, Pa, I'm sorry, I know it puts the project way back…'

'Son,' Ben said forcefully, wanting to make sure his son understood what he was saying. He looked down at his son's anxious face and forced out a smile. 'I want you to know something. You are more important to me than any lumber project. You did what you needed to do. I'm proud of you. Don't you forget that.'

Adam sat completely dumbfounded as his father put his arm around him and gave him a hug. Ben looked down at his surprised son with a mixture of pride and amusement in his eyes. But knowing there was more to the story, his eyes sobered as he gently prodded his son,

'And then what happened?'

Adam's face clouded over and tears came back to his eyes as he remembered what happened next. 'I…I was really angry when I came home,' he whispered softly. 'I came inside…and…and Joe…he had broken the frame you gave me,' Adam nodded at the broken frame sitting on the table. 'I…I was so angry, I didn't even let him explain…I…I grabbed him…I shook him really hard. Hoss tried to stop me…' his voice trailed off as the lump in his throat began to choke him.

His face was a picture of misery, the obvious shame he felt at his behavior evident on his features. Ben just kept his face calm and nodded his head slowly, waiting for his son to continue.

'When Hoss finally got me away, that's when Joe said he hated me,' Adam continued, brushing at the stubborn tears still in his eyes with the back of his hand. 'I guess I don't blame him…I really scared him. But I was still so angry. I told him…I told him…'

'What?' Ben asked softly, his heart breaking as he heard the sadness in his son's voice. His suspicions were confirmed with his son's next words.

'I told him I don't care about him,' Adam whispered brokenly. 'And that I wished I'd never come back here. Oh, Pa…' he cried suddenly, 'I was so angry…I didn't really mean it…I let my…'

'Emotions get out of control,' Ben finished for him, squeezing his son's shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. He chose his next words carefully. 'Seems to me, you're being awfully hard on yourself…Don't you think that your brother is somewhat responsible for all of this, too?'

Adam was shocked at the calmness in his father's voice. Once again, he had expected his father to be disappointed, angry, ashamed, but there was no hint of any of these emotions on the older man's face. His father's eyes smiled at him softly with gentle concern, and Adam felt himself again begin to relax a little.

'Uh…I guess so,' Adam stammered, the confusion he still felt evident in his voice. 'But…then…when I thought Joe was dead…' his voice died away and his features tensed at the memory. He looked up at his father with pained eyes. 'It was so real…I couldn't take those words back, I couldn't say I was sorry…' his words dissolved into tears and he began to tremble at the haunting memories.

'Adam,' Ben said comfortingly, not wanting to see his son go through those emotions again. He placed his hand firmly on the young man's shoulder. 'It's okay. We talked about it. It was a dream.'

'I know,' Adam's voice quivered as he took in a deep breath. 'It just was so awful…'

'But it wasn't real,' Ben stated firmly, looking his son in the eye. His expression suddenly changed and he shook his head, pointing his finger at his son. 'I think you and Joseph need to talk about this. All of it.'

Adam just shook his head. 'But, Pa…'

'No,' Ben's stern voice left no room for argument as he gave his son a scrutinizing stare. 'You both need to talk about this. And the sooner the better.'

Ben's eyes grew thoughtful and he suddenly grinned at his son. 'I think,' he said as his eyes began to glow mischievously, 'you will be able to find Joseph at that fishing hole you two always liked so much. Go, get on with you.'

'Pa, I…' Adam's retort faded as he looked into his father's suddenly serious eyes, all hints of levity gone. He sighed as he came to the realization that he had no choice in the matter. 'Yes, sir,' he mumbled nervously as he headed for the door.

Ben's eyes followed his son as Adam stepped outside and shut the door behind him. He slowly turned back around, his eyes taking in the broken frame lying on the table. The thoughtful expression in his eyes deepened and he slowly reached down to pick it up. Ben absently traced the splintered wood with his fingers as he stared blankly into the fire, the workings of a plan beginning to form in his mind.

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The familiar fishing hole coming into view, Adam's stomach twisted in apprehension as he thought about what he was going to say to the younger brother he most surely would find there. So much had happened, so much had been said…he still wasn't sure if anything could ever fix it.

His pace quickened slightly as he approached the edge of the pond, his thoughts continuing to race. The tranquil woods were devoid of the serenity he usually found as he continued to move forward, oblivious to everything around him.

It happened just as he reached the clearing. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as he heard the unmistakable click of a gun. He turned around slowly, his face paling and his eyes widening at the sight of the gun pointed at him. The cold, snarling voice taunted him menacingly.

'Well, looky looky what we have here…if it isn't _Mr._ Cartwright. Don't you remember? I told ya, you wouldn't get away with it…'

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**As always, I would love to hear what you think! Thanks :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Well, here it is...the last chapter (but see the note about the epilogue at the end). I hope you all enjoy!**

**I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who read and reviewed 'The Things We Keep'. I guess there are a lot of (sappy) happy ending people out there :) The positive response was amazing, thank you so much!**

**And lastly, just a few quick notes to some of my great reviewers:**

**Rachel L Driscoll - Ha! I actually have to make a confession-you actually kind of gave me the idea for this turn in the story with one of your reviews! I liked the idea so I wrote it in (I couldn't say anything sooner because I didn't want to ruin the surprise!). So, thanks!**

**Pam (guest) - Glad you are enjoying the story (I don't think I could ever kill off Little Joe, not really).**

**dmf (guest) - Adam's almost made it, poor boy (well, at least for this story, anyway). Thank you.**

**Okay, enough is enough. On with the story!**

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'Well, looky looky what we have here…if it isn't _Mr._ Cartwright. Don't you remember? I told ya, you wouldn't get away with it…'

Adam's eyes widened with apprehensive recognition as he stared at the stocky figure in front of him. The man's hate-filled eyes glowered down at him, a twisted smile on his face as he pointed the gun almost casually at the young man in front of him. Jenkins noticed the fear in the young man's eyes and his face broke into a smug grin as he continued his merciless taunting.

'Whatsa matter? No big words today, _Mr_. Cartwright? Ya sure thought you were a big man the other day...' his eyes flashed fire as the grin disappeared and his expression hardened. He moved another step forward, his threatening form leering closer as he continued to sputter. 'I told ya…'

Adam slowly exhaled the breath he had been holding, his chest slightly heaving, as he willed his body to stop trembling. His body instinctively recoiled at the nearness of the older man, and he staggered a step back, his eyes darting around anxiously as his mind worked on formulating a plan of escape. He could feel Jenkins' eyes continue to bore into him, the man's stony expression suddenly changing as his throat coughed out a short, jeering laugh.

'Such a big man, _Mr._ Cartwright,' he hissed, the disgust evident in the raspy voice. He shot Adam a disdainful look as he continued in a dismissive tone. 'Just what I thought. Nothin' but a scared little know-it-all. Yer papa shoulda knowed better, sendin' a kid to do a _real_ man's job…'

Adam's head snapped up to look at the angry man, his eyes darkening slightly as the man's taunting began to get to him. He felt the warmth rise in his cheeks as his eyes began to blur with angry tears. His frustration with the situation he found himself in grew as his common sense told him that his anger would not help him; he suddenly realized that his only hope of getting out of this alive was in his ability to keep a cool head. With every ounce of his resolve, he pushed his emotions back and moved his body forward so he could stare directly at the man, his eyes unblinking as his hardening gaze never left the man's face. His voice dropped to an almost inaudible tone as he acknowledged the man's presence for the first time.

'What do you want, Jenkins?' His cool voice didn't betray the anxious twisting in his stomach. 'I told you, you're done. So why are you still here?'

Jenkins could do nothing but stare, the shock he felt at the remark practically suffocating him, his face turning purple as his rage began to intensify. The young man's defiant tone incensing him, he pushed another step closer, thrusting the gun directly into Adam's chest.

'You actually…have the nerve to _ASK_ me what I'm doin' here?!' the outraged man shouted, his face leering closer, his breath hitting Adam in the face. Adam scrambled to back away but the man just pushed closer as he continued to scream. 'I'll tell ya! I'm gonna teach you a lesson…a lesson ya won't never forget! Nobody talks to me like you did and lives to talk about it!' His eyes darkened to black and his mouth tightened into a savage snarl. Suddenly, without warning, he lifted the gun and smashed it into the side of Adam's head.

Adam staggered backwards as the pain radiated through his head and down his body, making his legs buckle under him. His stumbled steps were halted when he fell against the trunk of a large tree, and he leaned back against its sturdy support. Gasping for breath, he forced back the stars that were swimming in front of his eyes as he tried to push himself into a standing position. He found his balance and shakily stood up straight, determinedly trying to focus his eyes on the enraged face in front of him. Once successful, he forced his lips into a grim smile, his expression hardening once again as his cold eyes looked directly at the man's angry face.

'Okay, Jenkins,' he said icily, his fists clenching as he anticipated the man's next move. He dropped his voice to a smug whisper. 'I took you once; I can do it again…'

The plan he had forming in his mind, he readily admitted, was a risky one, but it was the only thing he could think of doing. Watching the former camp boss grow more agitated by the moment, Adam knew that his plan was nothing more than a calculated gamble with his life. As long as Jenkins had the gun, he had the upper hand. Having surveyed the surrounding landscape quickly with his eyes, Adam had realized that he hadn't seen anything he feasibly could use to fight back against a gun. His only chance at survival was to get the man angry enough so that he would lose control, make a mistake. Then, Adam hoped, he might just have a chance to fight back.

Jenkins was left dumbfounded, his mouth gaping in utter disbelief at the young man's apparent indifference towards him or his gun. Suddenly, his plan of revenge was quickly falling apart right in front of him. The fear Jenkins had first noted in the young man's eyes was gone, the fear that had given him control over the situation. Anger radiated from him as he realized that he _needed_ that fear, wanted to see the young Cartwright cowering before him, begging him to spare his life. He wanted him to suffer before he finished him. And it was all falling apart now. His rage consuming him at the realization, his grip on the gun loosened as his eyes became blinded by the sudden fury, the little control he had left slipping away.

'I'm gonna _KILL_ you!' Jenkins' infuriated scream echoed loudly, his eyes darting around wildly as his shaking fingers struggled to pull the hammer back on the gun.

Jenkins looked down at the gun in his hand for just a second, and Adam felt a small surge of hope rise in his chest as he knew he had just been given the opportunity he needed. He lifted his clenched fists to strike at the distracted man. But just as his fist swung forward, a sudden flash of movement over Jenkins' shoulder caught his eye, his arm freezing in mid-air as he felt his heart grow faint at the comprehension of what it was. His eyes widened in the absolute horror he was feeling as he shook his head slightly. He could feel the color leave his face as his eyes begged the figure behind him to keep away.

Jenkins looked back up quickly and saw the change in Adam's features, realizing something was happening behind him. His eyes darkened and his breath caught in an enraged snarl as he spun quickly around, swinging the gun wildly as he turned.

It all happened so fast. Adam suddenly heard a shout, followed simultaneously by a heavy thud and a single gunshot. His throat closing in absolute panic, all Adam could manage was a strangled cry.

'_No…_'

The distraught whimper was surprisingly loud in the still clearing.

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Joe sat dejectedly at the edge of the old fishing hole, his sad eyes staring unseeingly over the calm water as he continued to wait. His father had practically ordered him to go fishing at his and Adam's favorite old spot, and he was smart enough to know that it wasn't just some coincidence. He let out a small sigh as his thoughts wandered back to all that had happened earlier in the day.

He couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes again as he remembered the distraught look on his brother's face when he and Hoss had gone back upstairs. A shiver ran down his spine as he could again feel Adam's arms desperately holding him, almost as if his brother was trying to convince himself that his little brother was real. And the tears…the tears he had seen in his older brother's eyes made Joe's heart twist and his stomach sick. He couldn't remember a time when he had ever seen his older brother cry. The memory brought his own tears finally spilling over and Joe choked back a sob as he just sat waiting, still trying to take everything in.

They had been that way, Adam holding onto his brother so tight that Joe had almost felt like he couldn't breathe, for what had seemed like hours. Their father had finally pulled Joe away, telling him to go to his room and get some sleep. Adam had reluctantly loosened his grasp on his little brother, and with great effort his pa was able to push Joe from the room. Hoss had followed him to his room and made sure he had gotten into bed. Joe didn't remember much after that, and it had been pretty late in the morning when he had finally woken up. He had gone downstairs to get something to eat and that was when his pa had practically chased him out of the house, telling him to go to 'that old fishing hole you and your brother liked so much.'

Joe was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of voices on the other side of the small clearing. Wiping away the last of his fallen tears with the back of his hand, he listened intently to the voices carrying across the still air. He quickly recognized his older brother's voice, but found himself puzzled at the sound of the other, unrecognized one. His head jerked up quickly in sudden apprehension as he could hear the rapidly escalating anger in the unfamiliar voice.

Joe's heart began to pound in his chest as he began carefully to make his way towards the echoing voices. He moved silently along the edge of the clearing to avoid being detected as he continued to creep closer. His heart suddenly leapt into his throat, his fear mounting, when he heard the unfamiliar voice rise in a furious scream. But it was the next sound that caused the sickening twist of panic in Joe's stomach—the inaudible murmurs from his brother's cold, low voice as he responded to the terrible screaming.

Joe finally reached the edge of the clearing, seeing the two figures clearly from his concealed location. His wide eyes watched his brother staring coldly at a man—a furious man with a purple face, glowing eyes, and a sneering mouth twisted into a sick smile. Joe felt his blood run cold and his breathing stopped at the sight of the object in the man's hand—the gun, the gun aimed at his brother's chest.

Joe felt himself begin to tremble violently, his stomach twisting like he was going to be sick. He forced himself to take a deep breath as his wide eyes began to dart around frantically. His sight focused on a dead tree branch lying on the ground, and he silently scrambled to pick it up, wielding it like a club. The wave of strength he got from his new-found weapon causing some of his fear to dissipate, he stealthily crept forward, the man's back to him, leaving him vulnerable to Joe's attack. Anger began to well inside the small boy at the thought of this man's threatening his brother and it replaced the remainder of his fear; he kept his eyes grimly focused on his older brother's face as he continued to move towards them.

It took a moment, but Joe watched as suddenly the recognition visibly crossed his brother's face, Adam's eyes growing wide in horror at the realization of what his brother was going to do. He could see the fear growing in his brother's dark eyes as they silently begged Joe to stay away, his slight shake of the head undeniably noticeable. Joe just shook his head in response as he continued to move forward, his eyes locked on his brother's pale face. He raised his weapon over his head as he inched closer to the agitated man's exposed back.

He was close enough to strike when it happened. Without warning, the enraged man suddenly swung around, his wild eyes causing Joe to start in sudden fear as the gun spun around to point directly at him. Instinctively, a blood-curdling yell escaped his throat as he swung his weapon down hard against the hand holding the gun. The last thing Joe felt was the sharp thud of the tree limb as it bore down on the man's arm, the force sending him pummeling to the ground, his ears hearing the unmistakable sound of a gunshot as he blacked out.

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'_No…_'

His eyes stared unblinkingly in horror as his little brother was flung helplessly into the dirt, and the sudden rage that welled up inside him spurred his body into action. Adam lunged forward savagely, survival instinct taking over as he plowed his body into Jenkins, the man doubled-over from the pain caused by Joe's attack with the tree limb. The force of the impact sent both of them sprawling on the ground, the injured man's weak grasp on the gun broken as it went scattering harmlessly away across the clearing. Adam quickly overpowered the dazed older man and pinned him down, his trembling hands snaking around Jenkins' neck as he began to squeeze.

'Uh…stop…' the injured man grunted, his hands grasping frantically at the young man's arms as he fought to breathe. Adam stared stonily at the desperate face, the rage building in him as his grip tightened, the struggling man's breath slowly being choked away.

In a sudden movement, Adam smashed one of his fists against the side of the man's head, the blow rendering him unconscious. Adam loosened his grasp on the man's neck, and, feeling the man's form relax underneath him, he quickly moved to stand up. He stood shakily, desperately trying to catch the breath that was coming out in ragged gasps, his heart thundering in his throat. His rage began to evaporate as paralyzing fear took over, and he remained frozen, unable to turn around, unable to look at his little brother.

'A...Adam…'

The sound of the dazed stutter made Adam's knees weak and he clumsily spun around, his eyes widening as they focused on the small form struggling to sit up. He staggered towards his brother and dropped down next to him, trembling fingers reaching out to support him as his little brother pulled himself up into a sitting position.

'Adam…are…are you o-okay? That man…he was gonna…' Joe's words dissolved into hysterical tears as he began to tremble violently, the shock of what had just happened catching up to him.

'Sshh, sshh, little buddy…' Adam choked out brokenly as he somehow managed to find his voice. He pulled his distraught younger brother into his lap and began to rock him gently. Adam breathed a quick prayer of thanks as tried to calm his own thundering heart, his fingers softly tracing across his brother's face, brushing away the tears that coursed down Joe's cheeks as the sobs continued.

'Sshh, sshh…I'm okay,' he continued to whisper as Joe's sobs finally began to dwindle. 'I'm okay, little buddy. See? It's alright.'

Adam breathed a trembling sigh of relief as the sobs subsided, ending in a loud sniffle as the young boy struggled to get his emotions under control. His own body still tense, he continued to hold his little brother securely in his arms, rocking him gently as his mind began to grimly race with all the possibilities of what could have happened.

His eyes widened suddenly and he reluctantly pulled himself away from his brother. Scrambling to his feet, Adam stumbled across the clearing and picked up the forgotten gun. Lifting it over his head, he fired three shots directly into the air, the signal his father had taught them to use when they needed help. Throwing the gun back down on the ground, Adam's eyes scanned the landscape and quickly spotted what he had been hoping to see—the man's horse, tied to a tree at the edge of the clearing. Running over to the animal, he grabbed some rope from the saddle and made his way back to the unconscious man. He turned Jenkins over and made quick work of securely tying the man's hands and feet together. Satisfied that the bindings would hold until help arrived, Adam turned his attention back to his little brother still sitting motionlessly on the ground.

Adam stumbled back over to his brother, sitting down next to him and pulling him gently back into his arms. Joe's only response to his brother's touch was to lean back into Adam's chest as Adam began to slowly resume the gentle rocking. The two just sat there silently, Adam's fingers brushing through his brother's hair as they waited for help to arrive.

It was about fifteen minutes later when Adam lifted his head at the sound of hooves pounding on the well-worn trail. He breathed an audible gasp of relief as he recognized the forms of his father and a couple of the ranch hands riding at a break-neck speed towards them.

'Adam! Joseph!' Ben didn't even let his horse come to a complete stop before he jumped down, running to his two sons still sitting in the dirt. He let out a shocked gasp as he saw the bruise forming across his oldest son's temple and his hand reached out to gently touch his son's face. But his hand stopped moving and his eyes widened in fear at the sight of his youngest son's tear-stained face and hollow eyes as Joe sat silently in his older brother's arms. Ben looked quickly into the eyes of his oldest son, Adam trying to reassure his father even as he tried to believe it himself.

'Pa, we're okay,' he tried to keep his voice calm, doing his best to reassure his anxious father. He nodded his head over in the direction of the unconscious Jenkins, still lying on the ground. 'Jenkins here tried to give me a little trouble…Joe…' his words caught in his throat and he swallowed hard. 'Joe, uh…Joe saved my life.'

Ben's eyes widened in visible surprise as he stared at Adam, watching as his son's eyes began to fill with tears. His fatherly instinct anxiously told him that there was a lot Adam wasn't telling him, but he couldn't help the small smile of pride that crossed his face as he gently reached out and ruffled his youngest son's curls. When the little boy did not respond to his father's touch, Ben looked up again quickly at his older son, the concern again etching his face. Adam only shook his head gently at his father.

'He's okay,' Adam repeated softly, blinking rapidly to push the tears from his eyes as he pulled his brother closer into a tighter embrace and began again the gentle rocking. 'We…the two of us…we just need to talk about it some, that's all.' His eyes pleaded with his father to understand what he was saying.

Ben recognized the request in his son's pleading eyes, and, as much as he wanted to ignore him and just pull his youngest son into his arms, he nodded his head reluctantly and slowly stood up to move away. He let his attention turn to the unconscious Jenkins as he watched the two cowhands drag the man up from the ground and tie him securely to his horse.

'I'll uh…I'll make sure he gets into town,' Ben mumbled stiffly, jerking his head towards Jenkins. He stared hard at his two sons, looking straight into Adam's eyes. The meaning in his next words was unmistakable. 'Make sure you two are home before dark.'

Adam lifted his eyes gratefully as he gave his father a quick, silent nod of agreement. He knew how hard it was for his father to leave them as he watched the conflicting emotions struggling on his father's face. Adam watched silently as his father reluctantly mounted his horse and turned slowly in the direction of the house. Ben gave his sons one last, pained look before he pulled his eyes away and rode out of the clearing. Adam's eyes shifted back to the mute brother still in his arms.

_Now, the hard part…_

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'You know what I was thinking about the whole way home from college?'

Adam's soft voice seemed loud as he finally broke the deafening silence, his eyes focused on his brother's blank face. He continued rocking his brother gently as he waited for some kind of response. When he didn't receive one, Adam answered his own question.

'I was thinking about you. I just couldn't wait to see you again.'

The quiet words had the desired effect; Adam anxiously watched as Joe's facial features began to soften, tears beginning to form in the bright green eyes. Pulling his little brother into an even tighter hug, his voice cracked as he continued in a hurried whisper,

'I missed you so much while I was away. All I wanted was to come home and have things be the way they used to be…you know…before I left…'

'R…really?' Joe spoke for the first time, a soft stutter as the tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. He looked up at his brother, his sad eyes bright with confusion. 'You were thinkin' about me? I…I was afraid…' his words faded into nothing as his voice haltingly dropped away.

'Yes,' Adam continued, a lump forming in his throat at the sight of his brother's tears. 'All I thought about was you, the whole way home. I was remembering all the times I took care of you, starting when you were a little baby…' his voice caught in his throat and he had to pause for a moment before he could continue. 'I just wanted to come back and have everything the same as it always was, and when it wasn't the same…I…'

'I'm…I'm sorry,' Joe interrupted, his eyes widening at his realization of what his brother was saying. The pleading in the green eyes pulled at Adam's heart. 'I didn't know…'

'No, no…it's okay,' Adam hurried, wanting in some way to reassure his little brother. 'I should have known that it wouldn't be the same…four years is a long time. You grew up a lot during that time.' He gave his brother a small smile as his voice continued sadly. 'It was just hard for me, when I realized that you don't need me anymore…'

'That's not true!' Joe's tear-muffled voice contradicted, his sad eyes growing wide at the sudden comprehension of all the torment his words and actions had put his older brother through. 'I still need you, Adam! I need you lots!' His emphatic statement brought a sad smile to his brother's face.

'Maybe…' Adam let himself slowly agree, his voice tinged with a little skepticism as he ran his hand absently through his hair. 'I…I guess so. But I didn't realize it…at least not then anyway. I guess I was just so disappointed that things weren't the same, I didn't know what to think…' he couldn't continue as his voice suddenly broke.

'I was afraid you wouldn't want to come back,' the small voice said sadly, and Adam turned his eyes back to his brother's tear-streaked face. Joe's chin trembled and he suddenly buried his face in his brother's shirt, swallowing the sob that had caught in his throat. 'I missed ya so much, Adam. The whole time you were gone, I thought…I thought that you would find something or someone you liked better'n me. That you wouldn't ever come back…I mean, why would ya want to? I…I was such a little baby when you left…' His voice caught in a loud sniffle.

The sadness in his little brother's voice broke Adam's heart, and all he could do was shake his head in silent protest. But Joe found his voice again and continued.

'Hoss n' me talked about it lots,' he said slowly. 'That's when I thought that, maybe if I was all grown up, maybe…maybe you'd be proud of me and want to come back.' His voice wobbled and he looked almost shyly up at his older brother. 'I didn't mean to hurt you, Adam. I…I didn't mean all those things I said. I'm really sorry…'

'Oh, Joe,' Adam sighed, hugging his brother even tighter to his chest as he made an attempt to control his emotions. His heart hurting at the realization: so many misunderstandings, so many things just talking could have resolved. 'You never had to prove anything to me…I'm sorry you felt like you had to do that.'

Adam's voice grew firm and he pulled his brother away from him so he could stare into the green eyes. 'But when you got on that horse…you scared me to death. I won't even tell you how stupid…you could have been killed! If you ever do something like that again…'

Joe's eyes filled with mortified tears and he nodded his head miserably in agreement. His ashamed voice mumbled, 'I know, Adam, and I'm s-sorry. I…I never shoulda done it…all I thought about was tryin' to prove to you that I could. I didn't even think…'

'Well, _think_ next time,' Adam shook his brother softly, his eyes serious. 'Because if I _ever_ catch you doing something like that again, no matter how grown up you are, I will teach you a lesson that you will _never_ forget.' His stern voice held a slight hint of amusement despite the absolute sincerity in the promise of the serious consequence.

Joe blushed slightly as he lowered his eyes, nodding his head in agreement of the understood implications should he ever try a stunt like that again. But there was something else the young boy wanted to say. He lifted sad eyes back up to look at his brother's face as he made the forlorn statement.

'I didn't mean to break it, Adam,' his rushed words pleaded, Adam understanding immediately what the boy was talking about. 'Honest, you have to believe me…I just wanted to…I lost my balance and I…I dropped it. I'm sorry…I…'

'Joe,' Adam said solemnly, gently shaking his brother to get his full attention. 'I understand that now. I…I'm the one who is sorry. I…I should have let you explain. I let my emotions get out of control, and I…I didn't react appropriately. I never gave you a chance. I said some awful things to you…and…when I…when I thought…' His voice caught in a choked sob, his mouth unable to say the words.

'Thought what?'

Joe's eyes widened as he stared up at his older brother, Adam just shaking his head softly and turning his sad eyes away. Joe's breath caught in his throat at the full comprehension of what his brother wasn't saying, suddenly everything making perfect sense. Adam had thought he, his little brother, had died. Joe felt a shiver run down his spine at the thought of the full torment his brother had been going through. He understood it all now: why Adam had held him so tight after his father had called him back upstairs, why all the tears, why even the distraught look on Adam's face when he had begged him to keep away from that man holding the gun. Joe felt his stomach turn at the grim thoughts and shuddered again, a guilty feeling washing over him as he thought of the torture he had put his brother through.

Adam's thoughts were racing again at the horrible memory and he unconsciously tightened his arms around the little brother still sitting in his lap. Absently he began to rock his brother again as the pictures flashed relentlessly through his mind. The sound of a choked sob brought him back to reality as Joe moved to speak again. The words that came out of his younger brother's mouth were unexpected and gave Adam cause to arch his eyebrows up in sudden confusion.

'Adam…I'm sorry.' Joe turned tear-filled eyes back to his brother's surprised face. 'I know you were thinkin' about me, and y-you didn't want me to get hurt…but…I c-couldn't…that man…I, I thought he was…going t-to kill…' Joe's voice broke into a sob and he clung to his brother, trembling at the memory of the gun pointed at Adam's chest.

'Hey, little buddy…' Adam choked out softly, his own eyes filling with tears as he tried to soothe the distraught boy. 'It's okay…'

He saw again his brother's body falling limply in the dirt, and his mind raced at the knowledge that he would never be able to forgive himself if something had happened to his little brother. He would have done the exact same thing Joe had done if the situation had called for it. Adam's eyes widened at the sudden recognition, new-found understanding of his brother's decision sending a wave of emotion through him as he tried to reassure the small boy.

'It's okay,' Adam whispered again, emotion warming his voice as he pulled his younger brother back so that he could look into his watery green eyes. 'I understand…I know…it's okay.'

'I love you, Adam,' the soft declaration destroyed what was left of his older brother's composure as the tears began to stream down Adam's face.

'I know you do,' Adam whispered, pulling his younger brother back tightly against his chest in a big hug. 'And Joe?'

'Yeah?'

The irony of the whole situation was so clear to him now; he wasn't sure how he had missed it. He had wanted to come home and have everything the same as it had always been, and when it hadn't been, he had thought that there wasn't anything left for him. But the truth was so blatantly obvious. There was so much here for him, starting with the fact that he and his brother now shared something that had brought them even closer together, made their bond even tighter. Today was a good day. The irony lay in that, in all reality, it was better than any yesterday. Adam's eyes shone as he stated his next words firmly.

'You never had to prove anything to me. I _am_ so proud of you. You will always be my little brother, and I'll always love you.' His voice cracked as he smiled down at the wide green eyes staring up at him. 'Don't ever forget that, okay?'

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**I really hope this ending fits with the rest of the story (I find it easier to write the ends of chapters than the ends of stories!). I would, as always, love to know what you think!**

**There will be an epilogue to this story (so I guess we aren't quite finished yet). There are just a couple of loose ends that need to be tied up before I can say it is completely finished. I originally thought about posting this chapter and the epilogue together but since then I have decided that I have ulterior motives for the epilogue...so stay tuned!**

**Thanks again for reading :)**


	10. Epilogue

**A/N: I have a confession to make. I've kept this last piece on the computer for a while. I guess I'm not quite ready to be done!**

**To everyone who has read, reviewed, alerted, made a favorite, given me an idea, and anything else I can't think of at the moment, I cannot say thank you enough. This has been a great experience and a lot of fun, too!**

**Ok, ok, enough of the mushy stuff. On to the story! Enjoy!**

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'You shoulda seen it, Pa!' The excited words tumbled quickly out of Joe's milk-ringed mouth as he took another large gulp from the glass he held in his hand. Setting the glass down and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he turned to look at his brother. 'Me n' Hoss had ol' Storm ridin' circles in that corral, didn't we, Hoss?'

'Sure did,' Hoss glanced up from his dinner plate and smiled warmly at his little brother. His gaze quickly shifted over to his father and he said proudly, 'Little brother sure is gettin' to be right good with horses.' He gave a quick nod of his head at his little brother, causing a pink flush to rapidly cross Joe's features, his green eyes bright with excitement.

'Aw, thanks Hoss,' he stuttered shyly, dropping his eyes back to his plate. Joe cleared his throat and looked back up at his pa, his words imploring his father in the excited tone. 'Pa, maybe…maybe you can come out with us tomorrow and take a look? I mean, you should just see 'im, Pa! Please?'

Ben smiled at the excited chatter, responding to his son's pleading eyes with a quick nod as he laid his fork down and pushed back in his chair. His smile broadened at Joe's excited shout, the boy's body bouncing up and down in his chair in anticipation. Ben sighed contentedly as he looked around the table, watching his boys finishing their dinner. A slight moisture came into his eyes as he thought about the changes he had seen in all of his boys since that day at the old fishing spot.

It had been almost two weeks since Jenkins had gone after Adam, and Ben still felt a slight chill creep down his spine at the memory. His first instinct, once he had heard those three shots echoing across the countryside, had been to protect his sons. He shuddered as he thought about the frantic ride to the clearing, afraid of what he might find. When he had arrived in the clearing, his relief immeasurable at seeing his sons alive, all he had wanted to do was get them home.

Then Adam had asked to talk with Joe, alone. To say he had been apprehensive about leaving his boys in the clearing while he took a prisoner to town would have been putting it mildly, but Ben had always had unwavering faith in his oldest son. Ben knew he could trust Adam to make sure his younger brother was safe. And, just as his father had known it would be, Adam had proven his reliability yet again. Both his boys had come home, before dark as he had admonished, and Ben had felt a weight drop from his shoulders at the sight of both looking happier than he'd seen them in a long time.

Ben himself had relaxed considerably when he'd seen his oldest son's face: while his exhaustion was still evident, gone was the tension and worry he had seen in Adam's eyes since he had returned home. And Ben's heart had skipped a beat at Joe's almost instantaneous relaxation of his 'I'm all grown up now' attitude. Ben had known all along that most of his youngest son's actions had been due to his fears about his brother returning home.

So it was only natural that a little hope had risen in the father's heart when Adam had confided in his pa later that night that he and his little brother had spent a long time talking about those fears. It was the hope that maybe, once in a while, the little boy that Ben so missed seeing in his youngest son would come back out. Some of his hopes apparently having some merit, he relished every moment when his spirited, excitable little boy came back to him, just as he was doing now. His eyes watered slightly as he looked at his little boy: Joe's ever-present grown-up seriousness all but forgotten in the current excitement.

Ben blinked the moisture away as his glance fell to his middle son; Hoss putting still another helping of mashed potatoes onto his plate. Shaking his head slightly, Ben ruefully thought about the amount of food that his son could consume in a single sitting. His eyes softened as he noticed Hoss looking up again at his little brother, the smile in Joe's direction lighting up the teenager's gentle features.

Ben felt a small smile of pride cross his face at the memory of Hoss coming to him, asking his father's permission to give Joe a chance to help with the newly-broken horse. Ben hadn't been entirely agreeable to the idea; despite the number of years that had passed since the accident, his memory was still very good and it held a very vibrant picture of Marie's fatal fall. He also had the recollection of Adam's retelling of Joe's recent stunt to further dissuade him. As if that wasn't enough, his reservations had only grown after he heard the nickname that Joe had christened the animal with. But Hoss had solemnly vowed that he would be responsible for Joe and Storm at all times, and Ben couldn't help the growing smile of pride as he thought about how his middle son had kept to his end of the bargain. Hoss had remained patient the whole time, taking care of both the horse and his little brother.

Ben then turned his eyes to his oldest son, and he couldn't stop the full-fledged grin that crossed his face as he watched Adam's eyes blinking sleepily, the young man trying his hardest to stay awake long enough to finish his dinner. His heart swelled with a mixture of sympathy and pride as he thought about his stubborn oldest boy. In the past week since they had hired a new boss at the lumber camp, Adam had spent every waking minute on the plans for the new mine. He had been making the long treks back and forth to the lumber camp almost daily, working out all the logistics of the operation. Thanks to his son's stubborn determination, they were no longer just caught up to the project's original schedule, but they were now actually ahead of said schedule. Ben smiled again as he promised himself that later he would tell, no _insist_, his son take it easy the next day. He pushed himself up and stood behind his chair, clearing his throat in preparation for the announcement he was going to make.

'Boys, I would like you to all follow me into the front room,' he stated seriously, waiting as three sets of eyes lifted their gaze to meet his.

Hoss's eyes glanced up quickly at his father with knowing expectation, and Ben just shook his head slightly when he noticed the mischievous twinkle appearing in his youngest's bright green eyes. Joe stifled a giggle and bobbed his head in his pa's direction, his amusement at what his father wasn't saying clearly indicated. Ben shot his eyes quickly to his oldest son's face, hoping Adam hadn't seen the exchange. Ben's breath caught in a slight sigh of relief at Adam's slightly puzzled nod in agreement, the expression on the young man's face obviously betraying how clueless he was as to what was going on.

Ben stood and walked into the other room, an amused smile on his face as he shook his head at the friendly pushing and shoving he could hear between his two youngest as they followed. He reached his hand behind his desk and waited expectantly as his three boys gathered around him. Ben smiled broadly and his two youngest sons' faces suddenly broke into huge grins at the confused look appearing on Adam's face. His hand pulled out a large box from behind the desk and he handed it to his eldest son.

'This is for you, son,' Ben smiled warmly, Adam's face widening in sudden recognition, his hands trembling slightly as he opened the box.

Adam had to blink back the tears as he pulled the wrapping away from the box, exposing a beautiful, hand-carved frame. His face broke into a grin and he let his fingers trace along the intricate carvings as his eyes focused on the certificate protected under a layer of heavy glass.

'Oh, Pa…' he couldn't say anything else as his words caught in his throat. He looked up at his father, Ben's eyes shining and his mouth turned up in a proud smile. Adam felt his face growing warm as he blushed slightly, and he dropped his gaze back down again to the frame, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He looked up again when he felt a small hand on his arm.

'Adam?' Joe's face grinned up at him as the small boy pointed to the empty space on the wall above the fireplace. 'I think that's a good spot to hang it…'

All Adam could do was smile and nod in agreement.

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Adam stretched himself out in his bed, a huge yawn that threatened to split his head in two escaping from his throat. He was so tired, he felt like he could sleep for a week. His tired mind ruefully toyed with the idea that maybe he should take his father's suggestion and take it easy for a day or two. He yawned again and rolled over to face the wall, the idea becoming more and more appealing by the minute as his eyes struggled to stay open. He was almost asleep when he felt a slight pulling on his arm.

'Huh?' he mumbled softly, flinching away from the touch. Incoherent thoughts jumbled in his head and he had almost had himself convinced that he had imagined the slight touch when he heard a small voice and felt the slight pulling again.

'A…Adam?'

Adam sighed deeply and rolled wearily over, his eyes slowly focusing on the little brother standing beside his bed. Despite his exhaustion, Adam couldn't help but smile at his brother's disheveled curls and sleep-flushed cheeks as Joe stood in front of him.

'What is it, buddy?' His voice was soft. 'It's kinda late…'

'I…I'm sorry,' Joe stuttered quickly, backing towards the door. 'It's nothin'…I'll just go…'

'Wait,' Adam called gently, sleep momentarily forgotten as he looked at his brother. Joe stopped and turned back around, his green eyes wide. 'What is it? Everything okay?'

Adam kept his eyes focused on his little brother, slight concern crossing his features as he watched Joe's eyes drop and a faint blush color his cheeks. He was about to ask his brother again what was wrong when Joe suddenly lifted embarrassed eyes to his brother.

'I…I just had a bad dream, that's all…'

Adam couldn't help the sympathetic smile as he watched his brother twist uncomfortably in front of him. While his little brother had been more relaxed in his grown-up attitude lately, Adam knew the dream must have been pretty bad for Joe to completely abandon his pride. Adam just nodded his head and asked softly,

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'I…I can't,' Joe mumbled awkwardly, his green eyes widening again. The sight caused Adam to flinch a little, the look in his little brother's eyes suddenly haunting. 'I…I don't remember…'

Adam's heart melted and he took pity on the boy in front of him. Whatever the dream had been, it had certainly spooked his little brother. Beckoning Joe with a head nod, he scooted himself over to the edge of the bed, leaving a wide space. Joe abandoned any reservations he had and within seconds threw himself down next to his brother as Adam's arm instinctively pulled his little brother close into a protective embrace. Joe yawned and smiled up gratefully at his big brother.

'Thanks, Adam,' he whispered, yawning again as his green eyes struggled to stay open. 'I love you.'

Adam tried to swallow the lump in his throat, listening to his brother's breathing relax into an even rhythm indicating he was sleep. He brushed his hand clumsily across his face and closed his eyes, his body relaxing into the warmth of his little brother curled next to him. Sometimes yesterday wasn't all that long ago.

'I love you, too.'

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**I really hope the ending matches with the rest of the story! I'm kind of sad to see this finished, but I have several new stories in mind (did you catch the little possible clue?). I hope to see you all again for the next adventure!**

**As always, I would love to hear what you think! Thanks again for everything - RJ :)**


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